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R1 adverts are "promo wank" - Charlie Brooker

Jono

By Jono
in BBC Radio 1

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Jono

Jono

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These be dark days for the media. Ad revenue has dwindled to a pocketful of spare change; ITV recently ordered its entire staff to take on early-morning paper rounds in a last-ditch attempt to boost revenues. And the competition's fiercer than ever: digital networks, the internet, videogames, happy hour, happy slapping, moon snooker, hare coursing … you name it, people would rather do it than gawp at the box or read a paper. By the end of 2010 we'll be left with the Sun and Dave and nothing else.

Best to enjoy what we have while it's still here, then. Although that's not quite as easy as it should be when your eyes bump into the round of Radio 1 promos currently airing on the Beeb's TV channels. Sumptuously expensive in tone, they're rumoured to have had their transmission dates postponed thanks to the recent BBC expenses storm-in-an-eggcup non-scandal. The same rumour goes on to whisper that since one ad featured Jo Whiley (recently shunted to weekends), it can't even be shown.

Four ads remain. They are:

1. Chris Moyles His face daubed in some kind of war paint (or possibly shit, it's hard to say) Moyles sits astride an unfortunate horse inside a studio, while underlings run hither and thither toting gigantic revolutionary flags. The horse rears up in protest, as well it might; Moyles waves like he's on a log flume. It's baffling.

2. Zane Lowe Wearing an outsized hoodie with stupid tassels hanging off it, Zane Lowe runs into a massive hangar, leaps from a diving board, and lands on a giant red button. This causes tins of white paint (or possibly jizz, it's hard to say) to explode all around him.

3. Scott Mills A deliberate, half-arsed misremembering of the Lady In The Lake myth. Dressed in chainmail, and pulling a knowingly comic "noble" face, drivetime DJ Scott Mills rises from a lake, clutching an emergency distress flare as though it's Excalibur.

4. Fearne Cotton This is the most upsetting one (yes, even worse than the Moyles offering). Fearne Cotton is categorically not a hideous woman. But she is here. Styled as a confusing cross between the corpse of Elizabeth I and some kind of oriental spiderwoman, she sits, Buddha-style, in the centre of a gigantic fabric and neon web.

An object wobbles into view: it's a large red jelly (or possibly a plate of congealed wolf blood, it's hard to say). Said jelly explodes for no reason, bukkake-ing the room and Fearne herself in the process. Thus splattered, Fearne pulls a face like Minnie The Minx might at the end of a scat video. The end.

In summary, these ads are a load of insulting promo wank that will convince precisely no one to listen to Radio 1. You're left with no clue as to what any of their shows are about since none of them actually speak, and the zany scenarios don't convey the DJs' personalities accurately: what ever your view of Chris Moyles, chances are you don't associate him with revolutionary France, except when you're fantasising about cutting his head off.

See also the deeply unnecessary high-gloss "blood on the carpet" ads for The Apprentice earlier this year. Don't spunk a billion on an ad where Alan Sugar strides through a blitzed boardroom, you maniacs; divert that cash into the programme itself, then cut a trail from that. Similarly, if you want to convince me to listen to Fearne Cotton, find a good bit of the Fearne Cotton show and replay it over a still photo. And if you can't find one, hire another DJ.

It's all quite depressing. At a time when repugnant vested-interest newspaper scumbags are circling the BBC peevishly seeking any opportunity to kick it hard in the arse, the corporation has bent down and painted a lavish target right on the seat of its trousers in high-gloss paint. I love the Beeb so much I'd gladly kill you and your children to keep it running, but it doesn't half do some dumb things sometimes.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/tv-and-radio/2009/oct/10/tv-charliebrooker-radio1-advert

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DarkAngelMJH

DarkAngelMJH

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2. Zane Lowe Wearing an outsized hoodie with stupid tassels hanging off it, Zane Lowe runs into a massive hangar, leaps from a diving board, and lands on a giant red button. This causes tins of white paint (or possibly jizz, it's hard to say) to explode all around him.

Jizz? I'll never watch that advert in the same light again!

I am Burdened with Glorious Purpose - Loki Laufeyson

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E*F*4L

E*F*4L

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who cares if ITV have no money, it they made some decent programs i may care but i don't, there is only one show i watch on ITV & that's Celeb Juice, all the rest is x-factor shit, reality & soaps.

fancy moaning about the adverts :rolleyes: i mean thats one reason why i don't watch ITV because of the adverts.

:)

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  • 2 weeks later...
Jono

Jono

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What's the tea reference on Jo's advert? I quite like Edith's one, though are they trying to suggest her voice is akin to squawking parrots and crashing cymbals?!

Have a tea break with Jo Whiley between 10am and 1pm? :oops:

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