Capital Summertime Ball 2024

[Robbie Keane]

So a baby seal walks into a club...

[John]

Incest, a game for all the family

[JonathanEx]

What's worse than one dead baby?

Ten dead babies stuffed in a barrel with one alive one stuck underneath them trying to gnaw its way out.

[John]

What's slimy cold long and smells like pork?

Kermit the frogs finger

____________________________________________

I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me.

She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon

[Emma]

What white on top and black on the bottom? Society.

[Sam]

Explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield.

3.14159265 dead.

[Emma]

Walkers are to add a new flavour crisp to their range - "semen" flavour. They will be marketed as "diet crisps" as 97.8% of women will spit them back out.

[DarkAngelMJH]

Have you heard about the man who did it with a parakeet? He contracted chirpes. And the worst thing? It was untweetable.

[John]

What's the difference between a ginger minge and a cricket ball?

If you try really really really hard you can eat a cricket ball

[Lucinda]

I think it's time for some chav jokes:

Q. What do you call an Eskimo Chav?

A. Innuinnit.

Q. Why are Chavs like slinkies?

A. They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

Q. If you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?

A. It might be your bike.

Q. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?

A. One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

Q. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?

A. "What you lookin' at?"

Q. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?

A. Paint three stripes on it..

Q. 2 Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?

A. The police.

[John]

I've been seeing this retarded girl for a couple of weeks. It's going quite well.

Anyone know where I can find some window-flavoured condoms?

_____________________________________

What's soft and pink and has seven dents?

Snow White's hymen

[Nik B.]

A man walks into a bar...

...

[John]

I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead

[acehook]

Little Sally came home from school with a proud smile on her face and told her mum " Franki Brown showed me his willy today". Before Mum could raise a concern Sally said "it reminded me of a peanut".......With a secret smile Mum asked"was it really small?" Sally replied, "No ......Really salty!"

[Emma]

I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled." Unbelievable what some people are into.

[John]

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?"

I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off you cunt!"

[Nik B.]

I can't believe a 13 year old becoming a father has made front page news. I had sex when I was 10, and I bet if my uncle knew about all this fame, he would never have told me to keep my mouth shut.

[acehook]

Walkers are to add a new flavour crisp to their range, 'Semen' flavour. They will be marketed as 'Diet crisps' as 97.8% of women will spit them back out!

[John]

If you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it rape... or shoplifting?

[Nik B.]

Please tell me there are no russians on the site...

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British".

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, " they have only an apple to eat and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

[DaNNiP15]

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how handsome John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Johns’ sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mark and I are just roommates.â€

About a week later, Mark came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver spoon. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?â€

John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.†So he sat down and wrote: “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a spoon from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a spoon. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.â€

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Mark, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Mark. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the silver spoon by now. Love, Mom

[Emma]

I was a bit naive when I was younger. When I heard about so many people "coming out of the closet", I just assumed that all gay people came from Narnia.

[John]

Q:What’s the first thing a woman does when she gets out of a battered woman’s shelter?

A: The dishes if the bitch knows what’s good for her.

[acehook]

The placenta came out before i did so technically i'm the "afterbirth".

[John]

How do you know if you have a high sperm count?

When your wife has to chew before she swallows.