Capital Summertime Ball 2024

[Emma]

Y'see? Mine are on a par with - if not worse - than those.

[Robbie Keane]

**OFFENSIVE HOMOPHOBIA INCOMING**

How do we know that Michael Barrymore is a smoker?

They found a fag in his pool.

[John]

I want to hear Emma's. I can out do them ....

[Emma]

I'll put a tamer one in first. This one's not that bad.

Top 5 things not to say in a gay bar:

1) Can you push my stool in?

2) Well f*** me!

3) Can I bum you for a cigarette?

4) Bottoms up!

5) Toss you for the next round.

[John]

Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape

[Lucinda]

A couple of my favourites:

One man approaches another at the Olympic Games. "Excuse me," he says. "Are you a pole vaulter?" The other man replies, "No I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"

An Asian man walks into a New York Currency Exchange with 2000 yen. He receives $72.00 in American currency. The following week, the same Asian man walks into the same currency exchange. He again exchanges 2000 yen. This time, he receives $66.00 in American currency. The Asian man doesn't understand why he received less money, so he asks the clerk, "Why less money when same 2000 yen"

The clerk replies, "Fluctuations." As the Asian man prepares to leave, he turns, looks at the clerk and angrily says, "Fluck you Amelicans, too!"

[Emma]

If you're not easily offended...

Elizabeth Fritzl attended court this morning after a full English breakfast. I think someone should have told her she still had Daddy's Sauce round her mouth.

[John]

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."

[Robbie Keane]

A skeleton walks into a bar, orders a beer and a mop.

[Rik]

I'm not racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

Disabled toilets.

Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

[Robbie Keane]

My neck is stiff. I took a Viagra but did not swallow it fast enough.

[John]

If you have a green ball in the left hand and a green ball in the right. What do you have?

Kermit the frog’s undivided attention

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What's the difference between an Enzyme and a Hormone?

You cant make an enzyme...

[DC]

i can tell this thread is now much better than was intended when started.

[John]

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, "That's great, did you get a blow job?"

Oh, no, I never found her head.

[Emma]

What's blue and yellow and has a tight git attached to it? A Lidl bag.

[John]

Q: Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the baby fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was stapled to the koala.

Q: Why did the tree fall over?

A: The koala never let go.

Q: Why did the kangaroo die?

A: Because the koala landed on it.

[Robbie Keane]

I've got a friend who has a phobia of glitter. I told him "For God's sake, you're 21 now. He's not interested."

[John]

How do you get an emo out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

[Grace]

A horse walks into a bar. The barman says "why the long face?"

"My wife just died."

Two cookies walking down the street. One says to the other, "Where you do you live?", cookie #2 replies "I'm not telling you, you might steal my washing!"

I think it's best I don't share the rest of the jokes I know, they are a trifle offensive.

EDIT: Fuck it, I've just seen page 2 of this. These are in seriously bad taste, I'm sorry.

What's the difference between football and rape?

Girls don't like football.

The name's Rape. Remember it, you'll be screaming it later.

I got a male grooming kit for Christmas, I'm still waiting for the 8 year old to arrive.

[Robbie Keane]

A man is having sex with his girlfriend, really giving it to her. He finally finishes and she looks at him and say "All of my friends tell me you are a paedophile."

"Paedophile?" he says, "That is an awfully big word for a 10 year old."

[John]

What's blue and fucks old ladies?

Hypothermia.

_______________________

I've got a new computer game but it keeps crashing.

Is it me or is this Colin McRae Helicopter Flight Simulator just crap?

[Grace]

What's blue and fucks old ladies?

Me in my lucky blue coat!

[Robbie Keane]

Did you hear about the worst plane crash in Newfoundland history?

A two-seater Cessna crashed into a cemetery. Emergency workers have so far uncovered 200 bodies and say that the death toll could rise to 400 by nightfall.

[John]

Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom only to see his father giving his mum one!

His Dad just laughs, throws a pillow at him and shouts "Get Out!"

A little while later Johnny's Father hears a commotion coming from Johnny's room. Dad rushes in and is horrified to see Johhny shagging his Gran.

Johnny just looks at his Dad and says

"Not so fucking funny when it's your mum is it?!"

[Sam]

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."