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The All New Joke Thread!!


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Harrods have announced that they will be donating £50 worth of toys to every patient of Great Ormond Street Children's Hospital this Christmas. A spokesman for the hospital said that the kids would be touched by Mr Al Fayed's loving gesture. Mr Al Fayed's lawyers have so far refused to comment.

Alouette...deployer les ailes;

Alouette...plumerai les ailes.

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I had a mate who was suicidal.

He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.

_____________________________________

Two chavs race their Novas off a cliff to see who hits the bottom first. Who wins?

Society.

_______________________________

My Grandad used to put a spoonful of gunpowder into his tea every morning. He said it was a very old remedy to help him live longer, and it worked: he lived to the ripe old age of 97.

He left a widow, two children, 14 grandchildren and a 50 foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

take control

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At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke - 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the queer fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers. At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened. Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says. "Just what did he say to you?"

"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job."

Two Gunners fans are on the plane on the way to Holland.

One turns to the other and says "Hey Arthur! See if this plane turns upside-doon will we fall out?"

"No way Richard," says his mate "of course we'll still be pals!!"

I am Burdened with Glorious Purpose - Loki Laufeyson

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If abortion is murder, then blowjobs are cannibalism and masturbation is mass genocide

_________________________________

Statistically 60% of people use their mobile phone to cheat on their partners.

Personally I prefer to use my penis.

__________________________________

This little piggy went to market.

This little piggy stayed at home.

This little piggy had roast beef,

This little piggy had none.

And this little piggy spread a deadly strain of flu across Mexico killing hundreds

______________________________

I have a friend on Facebook whose status says "Suicidal – Standing on the edge of a cliff".

So I poked him...

take control

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Nun's getting changed in her room, She takes her top off. The nun hears a knock on her door. "Hi, it's the blind man, can I come in?". The nun, thinking that the blind man will obvioulsy not see anything and be of no harm, lets him in.

"Phwoarrr blimey, nice rack, where do you want these blinds put up then?"

*Drums*

Farmer walks into his bedroom with and animal under his arm and is wife sat in bed, he moans "see this? see this pig? this, is what I've got to shag everytime you're not interested". the wife replies "i think you'll find that's a sheep". the farmer replies "i think you'll find it was the sheep I was talking too".

*Drums*

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Apparently Max Clifford has got a new job...

He is representing the pigs and my god he is doing a better job this time.

All that experience seems to be paying off

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During a rape, exactly what is an acceptable amount of time a woman should leave between shouting "Don't", and crying "Stop", before it becomes "Don't stop", and therefore consensual!

take control

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A little boy from Liverpool had gone to Rome on holiday with his family hoping to see the Pope. A couple of days after they'd arrived, the Pope was doing a tour of the city in his Popemobile. The little lad was bit worried that the Pope wouldn't be able to pick him out in the crowd, so his Mum said:

"don't worry, the Pope is a footy fan, so wear your Liverpool shirt and he's bound to pick you out and talk to you".

So, they're in the crowd, but the Popemobile drives past them, and stops a bit further down the street where John Paul gets out and speaks to a little boy in a Man Utd shirt. The Liverpool lad is distraught and starts crying. His Mum says:

"don't worry, the Pope's driving around tomorrow as well, so we'll get you a Man Utd shirt and then he's bound to stop to see you".

The next day arrives, and the boy's got on his new Man Utd shirt. The Popemobile stops right by him, John Paul gets out, bends down and says to the lad:

"I thought I told you to fuck off yesterday!"

on the grid.

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F - Face - Has her face become slumped to one side

A - Arms - Is she unable to move her arms

S - Speech - Has her speech become mumbled and slurred

T - Time - Time to get her pants off, the rohypnol has taken effect.

take control

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A lady who is pregnant with triplets is shot in the belly three times. One bullet goes in each of the babies. She is immediately rushed to hospital to have a scan. The doctor says " You are fine and the babies will be healthy. However after 13 years the bullets will work their way out".

The babies are born (two girls and a boy) and on the 13th birthday the first daughter startles her mother: "MUM!! MUM!! guess what happened!"

" I don't know dear" she replied a little stunned

"I went for a wee and a bullet came out"

She remembered the doctors advice and replied " Don't worry dear that's quite normal!"

10 minutes later the second daughter bursts into the room; "MUM!! MUM!! Guess what happened!!"

"I don't know dear?" she replied

"I was taking a pee and then a bullet came out!"

to which she responded "Don't worry dear that's quite normal!"

A further 10 minutes passed and she was startled again. This time by her son.

"MUM! MUM! Guess what happened!!!"

She answered knowingly "you went to the toilet and a bullet came out?!"

"No I was having a wank and I shot the cat!!"

take control

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I love rubbish jokes:

What's green, furry and if it fell from a tree would kill you?

A snooker table.

Polar bear walks into a bar. He says to the barman "I'll have a dry Martini........................................................ on the rocks". The Barman says "Why the big pause?". The Polar bear replies "I don't know, I've always had them."

What do you call a midget clairvoyant who has just escaped from prison?

A small medium at large

and my personal favourite:

What's white and can't climb trees?

A fridge.

A sick one now!

What's the best thing about sleeping with twenty one year olds?

There's 20 of them.

Another joke told by the late Clement Freud (contains expletives!):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zfK0jUycNR0

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  • Posts

    • I don't feel there's so much overlap between M&M and Scott's shows. M&M is of a similar calibre to Scott & Chris on R1, with genuine laugh out loud moments and usually a show packed full of real interesting content. Scott's R2 show is IMO a shadow of the stuff he did on R1 (not his fault, he's doing exactly what station management want), with music and content to appeal to a much older audience.
    • To be fair, Scott & Chris would've still been fine on Radio 1. It was mentioned at the time that Scott's move was very much on Radio 2's part rather than Radio 1 wanting to move them on. That's the one problem that Radio 2 has, trying to appeal to such a wide demographic.. it's the perfect listen for many, but equally a turn off for many others. I think they have the balance fairly right.     
    • I agree Scott has always been a good standalone presenter, but always better when with someone. When chappers left the radio one show it felt a different show and Chris joining was what it needed and brought new life. for the format of the radio 2 show Scott’s show fits well with the station but again, there’s the huge gap between radio1 and 2 As been said already old radio2 listeners feel it now feels too young with latest changes, yet old radio1 listeners still feel radio 2 feels too old. The inbetween stage demographic of too old for radio 1 but too young for radio 2 is still not catered for radio 2 was left to grow old with its audience for too long and to change things up now feels to try and change a brand image the right thing to do is leave it as it is and cater for that 1.5 demographic which I’m sure the new proposed 00s and 10s station will do if approved. Problem is it’s so overdue that by the time it gets off the ground these listeners are already likely to be lost and the changing image of radio2 likely to lose what it stands for as a brand with the “it’s too young now “  moving to boom and the “ it still sounds old “ crowd not able to move with their favourite presenters like Scott so finding themself on capital a radio 1.5 would have been perfect for Scott and Chris, seems unlikely but this is why I think who branding of bbc radio needs a rethink if these new stations get off ground
    • Bank Holiday Monday Schedule 6am-10am: Arielle Free in for Greg 10am-2pm: Dean & Vicky (No Rickie, Melvin & Charlie) 2pm-6pm: Vick & Jamie (No Katie) 6pm onwards: As normal.
    • Dare I say they've sounded great this past week?  Very much gelling.  Maybe less pressure?  Seem to be having a genuinely good time and not forcing things.
    • I'm in the minority in my workplace, most of them love country music.  Me, the American, does not care for it.  That said, I haven't haaaaaated some of the country adjacent stuff that's been on the R1 playlist.  
    • The Eurovision semi finals are on from 8 to 10pm on Tuesday 7th and Thursday 9th May with Richie Anderson. That means Sara Cox in on till 8 on those days.  Saturday 11th May is Eurovision 'Super Saturday... 1-3pm Your Ultimate Abba song with Gary Davies  3-6pm Michelle Visage's Eurovision All Stars 6-8pm Eurovision Request Party with Owain Wynn Evans 8pm Eurovision Grand Final with Scott Mills and Rylan Clark  
    • It is funny because everyone thought Matt was on the way out, now he's been described as the heir to Mills.
    • Some similar names to Big Weekend.  Sabrina Carpenter, David Guetta, Perrie, Bradley Simpson, Jax Jones, Caity Baser, Benson Boone, Rudimental. David Guetta is a good name. 
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    • Reading through this thread, I don't feel quite so alone now, in thinking that Scott Mills on R2 is not a good 'fit' (even less so than on R5).  I can't quite explain why this is so - I just know it to be so.
    • Arielle has been on holiday for the last 2 weeks getting married / honeymoon.  It'll be live from this week onwards.
    • CassKidd is in for Sian on Sunday 5th May.
    • The brought to tiers feature was also very good from them. I did wonder which DJ's were going to get picked out of the hat, that could have gone one way or the other and the caller said they were very opinionated lol. Correct decision putting katie in god tier!
    • The extended Dua Lipa track from M&M was very funny. I'm hoping Matt and Mollie and Scott have a good relationship a bit like Greg and Zoe collaborate on-air sometimes.
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