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The All New Joke Thread!!


Viv

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I'll put a tamer one in first. This one's not that bad.

Top 5 things not to say in a gay bar:

1) Can you push my stool in?

2) Well f*** me!

3) Can I bum you for a cigarette?

4) Bottoms up!

5) Toss you for the next round.

Alouette...deployer les ailes;

Alouette...plumerai les ailes.

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A couple of my favourites:

One man approaches another at the Olympic Games. "Excuse me," he says. "Are you a pole vaulter?" The other man replies, "No I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"

An Asian man walks into a New York Currency Exchange with 2000 yen. He receives $72.00 in American currency. The following week, the same Asian man walks into the same currency exchange. He again exchanges 2000 yen. This time, he receives $66.00 in American currency. The Asian man doesn't understand why he received less money, so he asks the clerk, "Why less money when same 2000 yen"

The clerk replies, "Fluctuations." As the Asian man prepares to leave, he turns, looks at the clerk and angrily says, "Fluck you Amelicans, too!"

'Forget happiness I'm fine, I'll forget everything in time'

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If you're not easily offended...

Elizabeth Fritzl attended court this morning after a full English breakfast. I think someone should have told her she still had Daddy's Sauce round her mouth.

Alouette...deployer les ailes;

Alouette...plumerai les ailes.

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If you have a green ball in the left hand and a green ball in the right. What do you have?

Kermit the frog’s undivided attention

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between an Enzyme and a Hormone?

You cant make an enzyme...

take control

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A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, "That's great, did you get a blow job?"

Oh, no, I never found her head.

take control

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Q: Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the baby fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was stapled to the koala.

Q: Why did the tree fall over?

A: The koala never let go.

Q: Why did the kangaroo die?

A: Because the koala landed on it.

take control

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A horse walks into a bar. The barman says "why the long face?"

"My wife just died."

Two cookies walking down the street. One says to the other, "Where you do you live?", cookie #2 replies "I'm not telling you, you might steal my washing!"

I think it's best I don't share the rest of the jokes I know, they are a trifle offensive.

EDIT: Fuck it, I've just seen page 2 of this. These are in seriously bad taste, I'm sorry.

What's the difference between football and rape?

Girls don't like football.

The name's Rape. Remember it, you'll be screaming it later.

I got a male grooming kit for Christmas, I'm still waiting for the 8 year old to arrive.

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Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom only to see his father giving his mum one!

His Dad just laughs, throws a pillow at him and shouts "Get Out!"

A little while later Johnny's Father hears a commotion coming from Johnny's room. Dad rushes in and is horrified to see Johhny shagging his Gran.

Johnny just looks at his Dad and says

"Not so fucking funny when it's your mum is it?!"

take control

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