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funny jokes!

philbabb

By philbabb
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Red

Red

Posted
Posted

The worlds worst joke:

This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed.

At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas

he's sent to the electric chair.

On the day ofhis execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants

him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"

"Yes" answers the executioner.

"Can I have that green banana?" the man asks.

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits until he's eaten

it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man.

When the smoke clears the man is still alive.

The executioner can't believe it. "Can I go?" the man asks.

"I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling

tickets.

Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting

on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed.

The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.

The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up

to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair.

"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.

"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.

The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana.

The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.

Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas.

When the smoke clears the man is still there smiling in the chair.

The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses.

Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this

time killing three of them.He is sent to the electric chair again.

The executioner rigs up all the electricity in America to the chair,

determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner.

"Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed

lunch?"

The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin

included.

The executioner then pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion volts

go through the chair.

When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn

mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand. How you can still be

alive after all that?" He stroked his chin.

"It's something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asked.

"Nahh" said the bloke,"...I'm just a really bad conductor."

Sorry... I'll get me coat... :grin:

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Red

Red

Posted
Posted

Three guys kick the bucket on Christmas Eve and ascend to heaven where

they are met by St Peter.

"In honour of the season," St Peter says to them, "you must each possess

something that symbolizes Christmas."

The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out two lighters. He

holds them up proudly and flicks them on.

"What do they symbolise?" St Peter asks.

"They're candles!"

"Ah, you may pass through the pearly gates!"

The second man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a couple of

sets of keys. He holds them up proudly and shakes them. "What do they

symbolise?" St Peter asks.

"They're bells!"

"Ah, you may pass through the pearly gates!"

The third man fumbles desperately through his pockets, finally pulling

out a skimpy pair of silky woman's panties. He holds them up proudly.

"What do they symbolise?" St Peter asks.......... . . .

"They're Carol's!"

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  • 1 month later...
mark.h (-:

mark.h (-:

Posted
Posted

Funny Joke A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before." The woman replied, "Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit." Does a man\\\'s bot size compare with his manhood? See what this woman does to make sure it\\\'s accurate.

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Chaos

Chaos

Posted
Posted

a funny joke from me : )

'Once there was a man called paddy, who wanted to join the army. He went to the recruiting office, and said "Sir, i want to join the army, Sir!" th officer said to him, "Alright. but first you have to prove yourself. I want you to take a survival course in this here jungle. All you have to do is survive for 3 weeks, ok?" Paddy nodded. after being kitted up with everything he needed, he started towards the jungle, but the officer stopped him, and said, "Son, there's one thing in there that you have to worry about above ALL else. The black and yellow viper. If you see it, then you have to quickly grab it by the tail, and go black, yellow, black, yellow, black, yellow, SQUEEZE! and then you will have crushed its head, and killed it." Paddy thanked him, and went into the jungle. Three weeks later, paddy still hadnt come out. The officer was getting worried. Finally after four weeks, paddy crawled out of the jungle, his clothes all torn up, covered in blood. The officer rushed to him and asked what happened. Paddy replied, "Well, sir, i saw the black and yellow viper, and i went black yellow black yellow black yellow SQUEEZE! and on the end of the tail was the biggest pair of tiger balls i've ever seen" The End'

The most heroic act is the one that no-one knows about.

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