Next Radio 1 boss

[Kelly]

I found these earlier, and I had to share. Be warned, they are a bit racy!

A man and woman are sitting next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.

The man isn't sure he saw what she did and decides he is probably hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe what he's seeing.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. And again she takes a tissue and gently wipes between her legs.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me? Or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"

The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you. I have a rare condition that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."

The man, now feeling bad, says "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says "Pepper!"

*****

What do breasts and electric trains have in common?

They're both intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.

*****

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - Arriving home late after a night out with guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.

[Eyl9]

Why did the lobster blush?!

because the seaweed 8)

[Grace]

hehe your funny!

Baby I swear it's deja vu!

I would get banned if I told the funniest of the jokes I know on here, so :* .

Although, I love this one simply because it's the only one my mum tells when she's a little bit drunk, if you're young then don't read it! [/disclaimer]

A man walks into the supermarket and picks up milk, washing up liquid, bread and a toothbrush.

He walks up to the checkout and puts milk, washing up liquid, bread and a toothbrush next to the cashier.

She scans through, milk, washing up liquid, bread and a toothbrush.

He packs milk, washing up liquid, bread and a toothbrush.

He pays for the milk, washing up liquid bread and a toothbrush and turns to leave. The cashier calls after him "you're single aren't you?". He turns round and says "yeah, how on earth did you guess?".

She says

"Because you're as ugly as f*ck.

[Geezer7348]

Taxi Driver

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and

tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up

over the kerb, and for a few moments everything was silent in the cab,

and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the

daylights out of me".

The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't

realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. I'm new

to this. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse

for the past 23 years."

*************

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border

checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5

people in a Quattro, Quattro means four "Quattro" is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts disbelievingly.

"Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four.

You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the

law."

The Englishmen replies angrily,

"You idiot! Call your supervisor over - I want to speak to someone with

more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

*************

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about

their sons. "My son was born on St George's Day," commented the

Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George." "That's a real

coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew." "That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."

*************

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin is involved in a car accident and

falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up

she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor

about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! A boy and a

girl. Your brother from Dublin came in and named them." The woman thinks

to herself, "Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the

doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise." "Wow, that's not a bad

name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew"

:heh:

[Kelly]

Haha, the Irish ones are brilliant!

[DC]

heres a quick one.

an iraqi centre forward signs for liverpool, on his debuet he scores a hattrick against man u all goals at the kop end. of course he is delighted. so he phones his mum to tell her the good news.

"hi mum! i have some great news. i scored a hat trick against man u today on my debuet!"

"thats great son but i have some bad news too, your dads been shot and your sister has been raped."

"oh no, i dont know what to say mum. thats really awful, god i feel sick!"

"i know son, why the bloody hell did you have to bring us to liverpool!!"

[Kelly]

If my mate saw that one...well, lets just say there'd be lots of swearing! I love it though! :tup:

[goldengirl]

I got this one by e-mail and it made me laugh:

ATTENTION

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.

This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer. Also known as (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means, DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutraliser-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends . If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

[sebdevlin]

Hello ladies & gentlemen

Two parrots are sitting on a perch one of them says do you smell fish.

A irishman is walking down the road when he sees a sandwich on the floor with wires sticking out of it. He speaks to a poilcemen who asks if it ticking. No the man replies i think its beef

I'm here all week try the fish

[goldengirl]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

***********

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

[KingTutsWWH]

Really funny:D

Wish I could remember jokes.

[Jamie]

I was driving to asda yesterday, came round a corner and clipped the side of this really posh BMW, anyway i stopped and went over to the car, this little dwarf gets out. I say to him im really sorry, its completely my fault, he replied im not happy, i said really which one are you then

Really crap but worth a giggle.