Next Radio 1 boss

[Emma]

Harrods have announced that they will be donating £50 worth of toys to every patient of Great Ormond Street Children's Hospital this Christmas. A spokesman for the hospital said that the kids would be touched by Mr Al Fayed's loving gesture. Mr Al Fayed's lawyers have so far refused to comment.

[John]

I had a mate who was suicidal.

He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.

_____________________________________

Two chavs race their Novas off a cliff to see who hits the bottom first. Who wins?

Society.

_______________________________

My Grandad used to put a spoonful of gunpowder into his tea every morning. He said it was a very old remedy to help him live longer, and it worked: he lived to the ripe old age of 97.

He left a widow, two children, 14 grandchildren and a 50 foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

[DarkAngelMJH]

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke - 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the queer fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers. At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened. Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says. "Just what did he say to you?"

"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job."

Two Gunners fans are on the plane on the way to Holland.

One turns to the other and says "Hey Arthur! See if this plane turns upside-doon will we fall out?"

"No way Richard," says his mate "of course we'll still be pals!!"

[John]

If abortion is murder, then blowjobs are cannibalism and masturbation is mass genocide

_________________________________

Statistically 60% of people use their mobile phone to cheat on their partners.

Personally I prefer to use my penis.

__________________________________

This little piggy went to market.

This little piggy stayed at home.

This little piggy had roast beef,

This little piggy had none.

And this little piggy spread a deadly strain of flu across Mexico killing hundreds

______________________________

I have a friend on Facebook whose status says "Suicidal – Standing on the edge of a cliff".

So I poked him...

[squiggle]

Nun's getting changed in her room, She takes her top off. The nun hears a knock on her door. "Hi, it's the blind man, can I come in?". The nun, thinking that the blind man will obvioulsy not see anything and be of no harm, lets him in.

"Phwoarrr blimey, nice rack, where do you want these blinds put up then?"

*Drums*

Farmer walks into his bedroom with and animal under his arm and is wife sat in bed, he moans "see this? see this pig? this, is what I've got to shag everytime you're not interested". the wife replies "i think you'll find that's a sheep". the farmer replies "i think you'll find it was the sheep I was talking too".

*Drums*

[Emma]

How many people with Alzheimers does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side.

[John]

Apparently Max Clifford has got a new job...

He is representing the pigs and my god he is doing a better job this time.

All that experience seems to be paying off

_____________________________________

During a rape, exactly what is an acceptable amount of time a woman should leave between shouting "Don't", and crying "Stop", before it becomes "Don't stop", and therefore consensual!

[Emma]

Just to redeem myself -

Two sausages are in a frying pan. One turns to the other and says: "It's fecking hot in 'ere!" the other replies: "Aaaaaaargh! Talking sausage!"

[John]

Fuck redemption....

Apparently Susan Boyle has never been kissed. The thought of that aint so bad, but performing oral sex would be a bit grim.

After 47 years there must be an almighty build-up of cheese on her bell-end.

[DC]

A little boy from Liverpool had gone to Rome on holiday with his family hoping to see the Pope. A couple of days after they'd arrived, the Pope was doing a tour of the city in his Popemobile. The little lad was bit worried that the Pope wouldn't be able to pick him out in the crowd, so his Mum said:

"don't worry, the Pope is a footy fan, so wear your Liverpool shirt and he's bound to pick you out and talk to you".

So, they're in the crowd, but the Popemobile drives past them, and stops a bit further down the street where John Paul gets out and speaks to a little boy in a Man Utd shirt. The Liverpool lad is distraught and starts crying. His Mum says:

"don't worry, the Pope's driving around tomorrow as well, so we'll get you a Man Utd shirt and then he's bound to stop to see you".

The next day arrives, and the boy's got on his new Man Utd shirt. The Popemobile stops right by him, John Paul gets out, bends down and says to the lad:

"I thought I told you to fuck off yesterday!"

[DarkAngelMJH]

Tis quite funny

[Viv]

What's the difference between jam and marmalade?

You can't marmalade your cock up a girl's arse.

That's disgusting, but typical of you!! lol

Here's mine of the day: what do cows do for entertainment? - They go to the moo-vies!

[John]

Apparently clumsy people are more likely to be obese. That's because they keep walking into things....

Like McDonald's.

[Viv]

lol I love it!!!!!!

[John]

I've just read that men who live in Reykjavik, on average have the biggest penises in the world.

So that's why mums go to Iceland.

[Viv]

Stop it!!!!!!!! lol

[John]

My girlfriend was round last night to try some of my home-made meat pies. She was impressed with my beef in ale, but she particularly liked my tongue in cider.

[Sam]

http://www.sickipedia.org/

/win

[John]

F - Face - Has her face become slumped to one side

A - Arms - Is she unable to move her arms

S - Speech - Has her speech become mumbled and slurred

T - Time - Time to get her pants off, the rohypnol has taken effect.

[John]

A lady who is pregnant with triplets is shot in the belly three times. One bullet goes in each of the babies. She is immediately rushed to hospital to have a scan. The doctor says " You are fine and the babies will be healthy. However after 13 years the bullets will work their way out".

The babies are born (two girls and a boy) and on the 13th birthday the first daughter startles her mother: "MUM!! MUM!! guess what happened!"

" I don't know dear" she replied a little stunned

"I went for a wee and a bullet came out"

She remembered the doctors advice and replied " Don't worry dear that's quite normal!"

10 minutes later the second daughter bursts into the room; "MUM!! MUM!! Guess what happened!!"

"I don't know dear?" she replied

"I was taking a pee and then a bullet came out!"

to which she responded "Don't worry dear that's quite normal!"

A further 10 minutes passed and she was startled again. This time by her son.

"MUM! MUM! Guess what happened!!!"

She answered knowingly "you went to the toilet and a bullet came out?!"

"No I was having a wank and I shot the cat!!"

[Chris.]

I love rubbish jokes:

What's green, furry and if it fell from a tree would kill you?

A snooker table.

Polar bear walks into a bar. He says to the barman "I'll have a dry Martini........................................................ on the rocks". The Barman says "Why the big pause?". The Polar bear replies "I don't know, I've always had them."

What do you call a midget clairvoyant who has just escaped from prison?

A small medium at large

and my personal favourite:

What's white and can't climb trees?

A fridge.

A sick one now!

What's the best thing about sleeping with twenty one year olds?

There's 20 of them.

Another joke told by the late Clement Freud (contains expletives!):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zfK0jUycNR0

[John]

I'm feeling Perky now that my swine flu has cleared, although that was the way i caught the damm thing in first place

[Jugalug]

What's the difference between Alan Shearer and Newcastle United?

Alan Shearer will be on Match Of The Day next season.