Granny Tinder returned for Christmas
The transcript repeatedly substitutes names such as Dale Winton and Laura Whitmore, but the speaker is unmistakably Lynette, the show’s Granny Tinder.
She had not been on for a while.
Scott and Chris were delighted to hear her again.
Lynette reported she had managed to avoid COVID and was planning to spend Christmas with granddaughter Zofia.
Everyone would take lateral-flow tests first.
Lynette had even bought a steak for herself in case plans collapsed and she ended up eating alone.
Scott thought that was exactly the right kind of contingency planning.
Lynette accidentally announced Scott was leaving Radio 1
Then she casually asked how Scott was getting on in his new job.
Scott froze.
What new job?
Lynette believed he had been promoted and was leaving the programme.
For a few seconds, Scott wondered whether Granny Tinder had somehow been told embargoed BBC news before he had.
Then the misunderstanding became clear.
Lynette had confused Scott with former producer Will, who had left the show earlier in the year.
Scott confirmed:
he was not going anywhere.
Lynette sounded relieved.
The panto actor went left
The first Christmas profile belonged to Joe, 23, a panto actor.
His bio offered to be Zofia’s shepherd if she would be the bottom half of his donkey.
His interests included sing-alongs and improv.
Lynette did not think he sounded like Zofia’s type.
Scott tried to sell the seasonal romance.
Lynette was unmoved.
Left swipe.
Oh no he wasn’t.
Santa himself did not survive either
Profile two belonged to Nicholas, 65.
Occupation:
gift courier.
The bio included naughty-and-nice lists, sacks, milk, cookies and red-nosed reindeer.
Scott and Chris quickly established the profile was obviously Santa Claus.
Lynette agreed he might make a perfectly good grandfather figure.
As a match for Zofia?
Absolutely not.
Santa also went left.
Chloe needed advice about being single at Christmas
Listener Chloe wrote to Granny Tinder.
She described herself as independent and perfectly capable of being single most of the year.
Christmas, however, made her want somebody to curl up with while watching festive films.
She felt she had exhausted the dating apps and left it too late to meet anyone before the weekend.
Could Lynette tell her to stop worrying?
Lynette did.
She encouraged Chloe to remember the good things in her life and not treat a relationship as the missing requirement for a successful Christmas.
One day somebody might come along.
If not immediately:
hey ho.
You do not need a man simply because December says you should have one.
The perfect Christmas single returned
Scott and Chris played Lynette the deliberately silly Christmas song they had once made about being single.
Lynette thought it was cheerful, even if she admitted she could not make out all the words.
She added that radio and television can provide company to people spending Christmas alone.
Scott found the sentiment unexpectedly lovely.
Then nobody could hang up
The call ended.
Or tried to.
Lynette wished Scott and Chris a Merry Christmas.
They wished her one back.
She replied.
They replied again.
Nobody wanted to be the person who rudely ended the call.
The Merry Christmases continued.
And continued.
Scott tried a countdown where everybody would say it once and then hang up together.
Lynette remained on the line.
Producer Amy appeared on screen and received her own greeting.
The exchange went on for nearly three minutes.
Eventually the call ended.
The long goodbye instantly became the defining moment of the show.
Old clips filled the final Bamboleo Wednesday
The last Bamboleo Wednesday before Christmas became a request show for favourite archive moments.
Listeners asked for the MMA commentary, Scott and Chris dressed as Santa and a Christmas butler interviewing Dwayne Johnson, the Strokes album-cover recreation, Dickie’s Dribble and other show favourites.
The programme had effectively turned its final Wednesday into an informal end-of-year compilation.
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