Big Weekend rumours begin
With three days until Radio 1’s Big Weekend activity started in Glasgow, Scott expected the city’s annual rumour mill to be gathering speed. Every host location produced claims about major stars being seen in chip shops, hotels and helicopters, whether or not they appeared on the line-up.
Listeners began helping by making bookings under celebrity names. A hairdresser supposedly received an appointment for “Miss C. Cole”, a massage was booked for “Mr E. Sheeran”, and somebody claimed Alan Titchmarsh was taking dance lessons for a tightly choreographed set. Scott encouraged people in Glasgow to report every rumour and prepared to manufacture more himself.
Laura’s Eurovision reunion
Laura Whitmore had worked with Scott at Eurovision in Copenhagen and they remembered repeatedly saying goodbye before meeting again at baggage reclaim. During the week they had visited an Irish bar, a student rock venue and EuroClub, where they watched Conchita Wurst sing “My Heart Will Go On”. Laura was missing Big Weekend because she was attending an Irish-Italian wedding in Italy.
Before arriving, Laura responded to Scott’s warning that she would be soaked by calling him “a charmer”. He worried that he had already offended her, but their Eurovision familiarity quickly took over. She brought baby wipes and a large bag filled with useful items, although no protection capable of handling the force of Chris’s water.
5 Live meets Innuendo Bingo
Laura’s own Eurovision commentary began the game, introducing Danish host Nikolaj Koppel as a radio presenter, musical director, pianist and journalist. “Pianist” supplied the first direct hit to her face. Posh Pawn admired an exceptional ring, Pete Tong introduced “My Balls” and Pierce Brosnan appeared to describe himself as “rent-a-bum”.
A serious 5 Live discussion said somebody had fingered people around him, before Heston Blumenthal welcomed diners to his chocolate box. Canadian hockey commentary felt a player coming on another’s backside and Dinner Date enjoyed dangling tackle in the water. BBC Oxford finished with neighbours losing roof tiles and somebody having his back door smashed in.
Laura was far wetter than she expected and repeatedly struggled to breathe after Chris’s strongest sprays. Her “Laura Wetmore” nickname was fully justified. She gave Scott a soaking hug on the way out, spreading enough water to leave the presenter wet despite never taking part.
Fernando launches Hot Topics
Scott reluctantly trialled a local-radio-style phone-in called Hot Topics, asking what listeners did after using the toilet at a new partner’s parents’ house and discovering there was no toilet brush. The apparently random subject brought the return of Fernando.
Fernando had left an overpowering smell in his girlfriend’s mother’s bathroom. His solution was to burn toilet paper, which removed the smell but also burnt the carpet. He temporarily blamed the damage on a discarded cigarette from the street, then eventually paid £45 to repair it.
Other callers described partners taking the blame for them and suggested increasingly desperate ways of removing evidence. Scott had dismissed the feature as a poor idea, but the scale of the response forced him to admit Chris might have found a viable topic.
The football song enters the studio
After the show, Scott was due at a secret London location with Luke Hemmings, Michael Clifford, Calum Hood and Ashton Irwin. The band had crossed Australia, Los Angeles, Las Vegas and Britain within days, but were still expected to write and record a global World Cup song.
Scott imagined a large guitar anthem followed by his own John Barnes-inspired rap. Chris stayed away to avoid interfering with the creative process, partly because he wanted to hear what came back without rescuing it. Charlie Sloth offered little practical rap advice but confirmed that John Barnes had recently appeared on his show and performed his famous verse.
Charlie’s Hulk Hogan heartbreak
Charlie played Real or No Real. The Pentagon really had a zombie-attack plan, although it was a training scenario designed to teach staff how to handle a national disaster. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West were not selling 100 wedding tickets for $200,000 each, and Essex did not buy three times the national average number of false eyelashes; Liverpool did.
Charlie really had been refused a selfie with Hulk Hogan when the wrestler arrived for Greg James’s show. A member of Hogan’s team told him to let the star breathe and fetch water instead. Hogan later noticed the rejected request and personally offered Charlie a photograph, restoring the childhood fan’s faith. Scott won 30–0 before leaving to make his football record.
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