The BRITs supplied a strange morning
Scott and Chris arrived after the BRIT Awards with a collection of half-remembered encounters.
Scott had met Jess Glynne’s parents.
Gemma Collins had appeared in an enormous dress.
Naughty Boy was seen helping her with it and then following her towards the ladies’ toilets before somebody pointed out he could not simply go inside.
Scott had also met Lizzo, who had performed in the Live Lounge the following day.
The programme became interested in the similarity between Lizzo’s laugh and Danny Howard’s famously infectious one.
Scott proposed a laugh-off.
Slowing Radio 1 presenters down made everyone sound drunk
The team had also discovered that slowing speech very slightly made presenters sound as though they had enjoyed far too much of the BRITs hospitality.
Clips from colleagues were replayed at reduced speed.
The pauses lengthened.
The vowels stretched.
Perfectly sober breakfast presenters suddenly sounded drunk.
Scott immediately wanted to keep the effect available for future post-awards shows.
Calum’s parents had an unfortunate honeymoon
Where Do You Think They Were? then introduced Calum and his dad Andrew.
The story began just after Calum’s parents had married.
They went on honeymoon to St Lucia.
Almost immediately, the romantic trip went badly wrong.
Calum’s mum became ill.
What they initially thought was an ordinary holiday stomach problem turned out to be salmonella, apparently contracted from salad.
She spent large amounts of time feeling sick and around the toilet.
Andrew, meanwhile, had overdone the sun.
He described suffering severe, even third-degree, sunburn across parts of his legs and feet.
Scott could not understand how these two medical conditions were going to lead to a conception story.
Andrew was happy to explain.
Newly married apparently overruled common sense
Andrew said he and his wife had only just got married and he was determined their honeymoon would still contain romance.
He described rubbing her back while she was ill and somehow deciding she still looked attractive.
The physical limitations were substantial.
One partner had salmonella.
The other was badly sunburned.
Andrew described the resulting manoeuvre using a roll-on, roll-off ferry comparison.
Calum wanted the story to end immediately.
It did not.
Andrew eventually confirmed that the night they were describing was the likely moment Calum was conceived.
“In sickness and in sunburn”
Scott thought this was easily one of the most uncomfortable editions of the feature.
The combination of illness, burned skin and Andrew’s cheerful detail made it worse than a car, beach or hedge.
Calum had begun the call knowing his parents had been on honeymoon.
He ended it knowing considerably more about how seriously they had taken the marriage vow about sickness.
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