The dating bios all sounded the same
Chris was due back the following day, so Scott had one final solo show.
He began with dating-app clichés.
One phrase had appeared so often that listeners no longer found it clever:
“Looking to leave the single market before the UK does.”
Scott warned anybody considering adding it to their profile that they were nowhere near the first person to think of it.
Sophie from the production team had matched with a man whose opening message said his day had been tragic because he was sitting in A&E.
She naturally asked what had happened.
He replied that he had crashed his bike and doctors had told him he had “only got 80 years to live maximum”.
Scott recognised the structure immediately.
It was another rehearsed line designed to pull somebody into replying.
Other overused phrases included “looking for an excuse not to be on this app anymore” and describing yourself as “single, pretty and ready to mingle”.
The problem was not that any one line was terrible.
Everybody else had already used it.
Sophie’s heatwave survival kit
The long hot summer had made Scott obsessed with weather apps.
The first thing he checked in the morning had stopped being Instagram.
It was BBC Weather.
Then he checked the Met Office too.
He wanted to know exactly where and when he was likely to be sweaty.
Sophie had developed her own heat solution.
She carried talcum powder.
Her problem was thigh chafing, which she described as “leg-chaffage”.
Before going out on a hot day she applied powder to reduce the friction, then carried the bottle so she could reapply it later.
Listeners immediately supplied alternatives.
One recommended deodorant on the thighs so they would “glide like dolphins”.
Another person’s girlfriend had taken a wet towel to bed.
Scott admitted he sometimes put jeans in the freezer.
The programme was rapidly becoming an unofficial survival guide for people whose bodies had had enough of the 2018 heatwave.
“Wig” finally reached Scott
Then Scott discovered the phrase which gave the episode its title.
A clip from *American Idol* featured contestant Noah Davis repeatedly saying “wig” because he was so excited.
The judges were confused.
Noah explained that when somebody performed so brilliantly, your wig effectively flew off.
Sam Ryder had also explained the slang on American television: a performance could be so powerful that no amount of tape or glue could keep the imaginary wig attached.
Scott loved it.
“My wig flew” immediately became a new way of describing something astonishing.
He was aware he had arrived extremely late to the phrase.
That did not stop him trying to use it for everything.
He even sent a member of the team out to point at people’s heads and simply say “wig” to see what happened.
Chris had a lot to learn
By the end of Monday, Scott had acquired a completely new vocabulary.
Chris had been away getting married and honeymooning.
He was returning to a workplace where everybody suddenly talked about wigs flying.
Scott could hardly wait to explain it.
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