Andy Jordan on life in Chelsea
Andy Jordan joined the show before the new series of Made in Chelsea. Scott considered him one of its more likeable cast members, although there was a limit to how sorry anybody could feel for someone who remained on Made in Chelsea.
Andy explained that the programme’s rows did not require somebody to order the cast to argue. Putting several incompatible personalities together created enough genuine irritation. A scene might be arranged, but the reactions and conflict came from them. That prepared him for a different kind of reality as he took his place opposite Chris Stark.
Posh Innuendo Bingo
Andy’s first mouthful of water was lost when a Radio Solent presenter announced her intention to get a foot-long sausage into her mouth. Banger-racing commentary sent somebody straight through Billy Brown’s, then Mary Berry promised that her unusual ham was lovely to come across.
Mike Dilger had seen a beaver, Eoin Morgan’s cricket side had trained with wet balls, and Kate Humble remembered positions from the previous night before pushing a head back in during Lambing Live. Seve Ballesteros’s wife had supposedly kissed his balls for luck, Britain’s newly married gay couples twiddled their rings and Vanessa Feltz considered whether she should swallow.
Andy described the game as a posh drinking contest and emerged wet enough to tell listeners he was walking through London looking as though he had had an accident. Scott suggested that he and Chris could enter Made in Chelsea simply by discovering where the cast would be and appearing in the background, provided the programme was as real as claimed.
The meaning of “U OK hun?”
Scott had noticed Chris and other colleagues replying “U OK hun?” to certain messages without understanding the rules. Chris explained that it was reserved for a tweet that its author considered normal but everybody else recognised as tired, emotional or attention-seeking. A late-night music video or an unexpectedly dramatic declaration could receive the response and make its sender immediately reassess their behaviour.
Scott realised why Chris had previously sent it to him. It was not sincere concern but a warning that he had become overdramatic. He compared the lesson with his earlier struggle to understand “sidebar”, while Grimmy reported that he had started saying “who?” aloud to objects in real life.
Scott plans a Eurovision takeover of Zane Lowe
Scott prepared to face Zane Lowe in Versus, choosing a track for each category. He turned “national anthem” into a Belarusian Eurovision entry, selected the Russian grannies to start a party, used San Marino’s doomed social-network song for the internet and chose Finland’s “Marry Me” for a life-changing moment.
Zane walked in during the discussion and appeared genuinely stunned by the pocket of musical history he had somehow missed. Scott argued that the set would educate Zane’s audience; Zane contemplated handing over the entire hour. The head-to-head promised less a conventional contest than an ambush by four Eurovision records.
Greg James fears the choir conspiracy
Greg James arrived for Real or No Real after interviewing Cameron Diaz, Leslie Mann and Kate Upton and appeared unable to think about anything else. A shortage of working clowns in Gloucester was real, reminding Scott that the man who once painted his hallway also worked as Mr Custard the clown.
Pop stars really had used tour buses with floor hatches to escape unseen from venues. Bastille had not tried to book the Military Wives Choir, but that claim inspired Chris’s stranger belief that Gareth Malone and Louis Theroux were somehow taking over the world. Greg and Scott agreed that Chris needed somebody to supervise his internet use before the alleged conspiracy developed further.
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