Break glass for Matt Richardson
Chris remained ill, so Scott needed an emergency Innuendo Bingo player. Matt Richardson had invited him to a tour date, received a reply asking whether he could be at Radio 1 within two hours and immediately travelled from Oxfordshire with spare clothes.
Matt was nearing the end of a 54-date comedy tour spread across eight months. Crowds varied dramatically: some northern cities and Brighton had gone well, while 19 people in Wolverhampton watched as though he were a play they had not chosen. A Market Drayton venue that normally drew at least 150 managed 45 for him. Matt found the rejection painful but kept six dates in the diary and joked that being paid softened the experience.
He had also met Britney Spears in Las Vegas. A fan in the queue wore a shirt saying her music had carried him through college and he had now graduated, a level of expectation Matt thought might make any meet-and-greet uncomfortable.
Gemma arrives from the underpass
Gemma Cairney had been booked well in advance but became trapped in traffic beneath a dual carriageway. Matt arrived from another county before she travelled across London. When Gemma finally ran in 15 minutes late, she apologised repeatedly and explained that she had already appeared on The Wright Stuff that morning.
Matt had prepared more carefully than most guests. He wore shorts to reduce the amount of wet material and carried dry clothes for the journey home. Gemma’s reputation as a “Bingo queen” and her inability to contain water meant he was not receiving the gentle substitute for Chris he had expected.
A delayed but determined soaking
Monty Don opened the game with a buttery cob and juices running down the face. Cilla Black announced a big split, Tom Daley Goes Global preferred something too tight and a water worker had been down some dirty holes. Gadget Man introduced Rosie Finger-Drome, a name that immediately defeated both contestants.
The longest test was Caroline Martin’s detailed account of sucking a humbug while exchanging glances with another driver, swallowing it, gagging and nearly causing a crash. Matt and Gemma had to refill their mouths during the 49-second story, producing repeated sprays. By the end, Matt was freezing and Gemma had to leave as a soaked maid of honour to help a friend shop for a wedding dress.
Beyoncé’s dogs need a groom
Scott continued planting Big Weekend rumours. After the failed Harry Styles wax and Rita Ora ghost walk, he called a dog groomer as an assistant to “Mrs B. Knowles”. His supposed client needed two Labradoodles prepared before a major Sunday performance.
The salon had no proper appointments but offered a Saturday nail trim. The employee recognised the Big Weekend connection and showed just enough interest for Scott to believe Beyoncé and Jay-Z would soon be added to Glasgow’s unofficial line-up.
A first leak from the football song
Photos from the 5 Seconds of Summer session had accidentally included Scott wandering along a residential road after being dropped at the wrong location. He had asked removal workers whether any nearby house contained a boy band, an image that had little connection with the polished studio pictures beside it.
Scott played a small piece of the chorus. The “woah” vocals revealed one noticeably low and flat voice, his own, among the band’s harmonies. The track was being mixed, but the rap still kept him awake at night and required somebody who understood how to write one.
Greg James and the Big Weekend facts
Greg James played Real or No Real after collecting all his clothes from the dry cleaner for his BBC Three presenting duties. Booking ten Flo Rida gigs had not earned promoters a free Redfoo appearance. BBC security correspondent Frank Gardner really had missed his floor in a lift while playing Candy Crush.
Clean Bandit’s violins had not been lost in transit, although a similar problem had once forced Rudimental to borrow Chase & Status’s equipment. Steve Aoki really did throw a large birthday cake into the audience at every show, in addition to crowd-surfing in an inflatable dinghy. Greg won 40–20 and left to prepare for a weekend with clean clothes, working lifts and no shortage of violins.
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