Chris returns with a FOMO alarm
Chris returned after illness having missed Radio 1’s Big Weekend. Scott had spent time with One Direction, visited Pharrell’s dressing room, stood beside Katy Perry’s dancers and thrown enormous balls into the audience. To manage Chris’s fear of missing out, the show installed a FOMO alarm he could press whenever another festival story became unbearable.
Scott had also taken part in a “Rather Be” karaoke film with Radio 1 presenters and artists. His own singing was going badly until Niall Horan appeared, declined to help and was followed by Liam Payne, who joined in. Securing One Direction for the ending allowed Scott to stop singing and declare his work complete.
A sick note for Innuendo Bingo
Although Chris was back at work, he produced an audio sick note from his mother saying he was not well enough for Innuendo Bingo. Jen Long had already arrived after presenting BBC Three’s Big Weekend coverage, so the programme broke the glass for emergency Danny Howard.
Jen and Danny were both powerful return players. Springwatch enjoyed seeing tits in HD, Bargain Hunt examined a lady’s muff brush and Adele Roberts advised a listener to get taken up the Shard. Football commentary described a huge job, while Caroline Martin’s long humbug story forced multiple refills.
Cilla Black’s big split, Alan Titchmarsh loving three balls and a footballer coming strong in the tackle completed the soaking. Chris watched from safety as Jen’s white shirt became waterlogged and Danny proved an effective substitute.
Abandoman’s emergency rap workshop
The song with 5 Seconds of Summer was otherwise complete, but Scott had until lunchtime the following day to deliver its rap. Rob Broderick and musician Dave from Abandoman arrived to teach him how to rhyme on the beat, sound confident and build material from something genuine.
Rob demonstrated by freestyling around random suggestions including Paloma Faith, pandas, pigs and keyboards. Scott then attempted a slower song about missing Chris, based on his friend’s teeth, lasagne and the massage they once shared in Kavos. The result became an unexpectedly intimate “bromance” rap and left Scott sweating after contributing only occasional final words.
For football content, listeners supplied “back of the net”, “park the bus”, “unbelievable, Jeff”, “end-to-end stuff” and “they think it’s all over”. Scott could not distinguish the authentic clichés from inventions and briefly thought “rub of the green” belonged only to golf.
His clearest football memory was watching England lose to Brazil in the 2002 World Cup at a pub with his former producer, eating chicken in a basket and falling from his chair. Abandoman improvised a version containing Brazil, chicken, the back of the net, a heart kicking like a striker and a Five Seconds of Summer rhyme. It was unlikely to survive unchanged, but gave Scott an emotional starting point and a technical lesson before the deadline.
Detox Tuesday with Charlie Sloth
Charlie tried to rename Fat Tuesday as Detox Tuesday. His ten-day plan allowed only green foods and water, although he wondered whether mint chocolate counted. He was also considering colonic irrigation and suggested the three men film a group visit, an idea rejected before it developed.
In Real or No Real, Josh Franceschi from You Me at Six and Dan Rothman from London Grammar had not accidentally swapped phones after Big Weekend. Danny Howard really had played an Annie Mac jingle during a nightclub set because he used a Radio 1 CD. Chris Martin’s guitar had been properly connected during his guest appearance with Kings of Leon.
Charlie won 30–10 and remained annoyed that he had not been invited to Big Weekend. Scott pointed out that the performances were available online, which did little to make the invitation feel less absent.
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