Chris tries Australian Jingle Bells and cooks pasta in a kettle
Scott and Chris were making a start on Christmas, although the studio’s tired tinsel and old tree did not inspire much confidence. Chris was more interested in claiming his preferred bar entrance music, and Scott turned the idea into a fantasy in which a supposedly suave “Chris Stark Shark” walked in, silenced the room and ordered a drink.
The Christmas debate moved on to a listener’s suggestion of Australian Jingle Bells. After Tim Minchin had pointed out that the usual festive songs are built around cold weather, the pair tried the hot-weather alternative, with its ute, esky, singlet and shorts. Scott could not decide whether it was brilliant or fundamentally wrong, while Chris repeatedly lost it at the unfamiliar vocabulary.
They also argued about a listener’s boyfriend buying a bread machine. Scott regarded a machine for making bread, and slow cookers generally, as an unnecessary waste of time, while Beccy defended the pleasure of warm bread. Scott’s own proposed shortcut, microwaving a loaf, did not exactly strengthen his case.
The latest chapter of Chris’s autobiography, 24 Years at the Tap End, returned to his first term at Southampton University. After being moved between halls, he recalled living on Q burgers and potato waffles before attempting to become more self-sufficient in the kitchen.
His first proper meal was meant to be pasta, but Chris put the dry pasta into a kettle in the belief it would boil more quickly. The kettle blew up. A later cheese-on-toast experiment, involving turning a toaster on its side, set off a fire alarm and evacuated the building after a night out, making Scott’s reminder not to copy any of it entirely necessary.
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