The premium-listener standard suddenly became extremely high
Scott and Chris were developing a new class system for the programme.
Ordinary listeners were welcome.
But listeners with extraordinary stories could be promoted into premium or VIP status.
The show needed stories people had barely told anybody else.
Darren — not his real name — believed he had one.
He had kept it to himself for more than two years.
Scott and Chris were among the first people to hear it.
Darren had been paying for professional waxing
Darren wore thick trousers for work and found summer uncomfortable.
His solution had been professional waxing around what Scott and Chris delicately renamed the BLT area.
Bacon.
Lettuce.
Tomato.
The euphemism was intended to allow the story to stay on Radio 1 without repeating the anatomical details every few seconds.
Professional waxing worked.
It also cost money.
Darren eventually decided he could reproduce the result himself at home.
The home kit immediately went wrong
He rejected hot wax as too dangerous and bought pre-coated strips instead.
Darren did not want to ask his partner for help.
So he went into the bathroom alone, used the mirror and attempted to position the strips himself.
One strip was placed.
Then another.
The first pull hurt enormously.
Worse, almost none of the hair actually came away.
Darren had now suffered the pain without achieving the result.
He nevertheless had to remove the second strip too.
The pink residue glued everything together
The real problem came after the strips were removed.
Large amounts of sticky pink wax remained.
Darren’s bum cheeks effectively became glued together.
He could pull them apart.
Then they stuck together again.
The tiny finishing wipes in the kit did very little.
A shower did not solve it either.
Every movement became unpleasantly sticky.
Even farting developed an extra stage because the air had to get through the seal created by the residue.
Scott and Chris were almost unable to continue the interview.
Darren said the stickiness lasted for days.
Premium status was awarded immediately
There was no debate.
If the VIP section existed for stories people could not believe they were hearing, Darren qualified.
Scott joked that when the show’s award was eventually melted down, Darren deserved a small piece of it.
The team also invited other listeners to submit stories capable of reaching the same standard.
The bar had now been set by a man who had accidentally glued his own bum together.
Real or No Real completed the programme
The day’s quiz included Real or No Real and number-one songs from previous years.
After Darren’s story, almost any bizarre statement sounded plausible.
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