The trust conversation carried into Thursday
Scott and Chris were still discussing the previous day’s argument about Scott privately messaging Chris’s wife.
Chris’s position had become clearer.
He trusted Scott.
He did not particularly want a group chat for every conversation.
The thing he objected to was Scott’s confidence that in some alternative set of circumstances his wife might fancy him.
That sent the programme into a parallel-universe question.
If Scott were straight, which celebrity would actually suit him?
Listeners suggested names including Caroline Flack, Sheridan Smith and several completely incompatible alternatives.
Scott approached the exercise like celebrity matchmaking.
Chris treated it as evidence the original conversation had already gone too far.
Where Do You Think They Were? found Carl with a K
The day’s conception story featured listener Chris and his dad Carl.
Importantly, Carl spelled his name with a K.
He considered the C version common.
Scott immediately liked him.
Carl was also one of those parents who sounded far too enthusiastic about the prospect of national oversharing.
The story began in late January or early February, when Carl and his wife travelled to Birmingham to visit Auntie Rita.
Three kinds of potato prepared the ground
Auntie Rita served a roast dinner.
Carl remembered an extraordinary amount of potato.
Mashed.
Baked.
Boiled.
Scott called it triple carbs.
The family then went to a local working men’s club.
The atmosphere was exactly what Carl remembered from the period.
Indoor smoking.
A grey haze.
Sticky carpets.
Music.
People getting up to sing.
Scott began recreating the era through his own memories of having a mobile disco and playing singles nights when he was a teenager.
Carl and his wife eventually staggered back to Auntie Rita’s house.
The spare room was enormous
The couple had been actively trying for a baby.
That meant the evening was not simply a spontaneous accident.
The destination was the spare room.
Carl described an old Victorian bed whose mattress sat almost four feet from the floor.
The room also contained psychedelic wallpaper and framed religious images, including what he remembered as the Pope and possibly the Virgin Mary.
Scott could barely believe the setting.
The only way into the bed appeared to be up.
That made Yazz’s “The Only Way Is Up” the inevitable soundtrack.
Carl supplied advice nobody requested
Carl had already begun the feature by joking that New Year’s Eve was an excellent time for sex because someone could start in one year and finish in the next.
The advice did nothing to improve his son’s comfort.
By the time the story reached the high Victorian bed, Chris had heard more than enough.
Other members of the family began messaging after broadcast to say they were equally mortified.
Carl remained delighted.
Another spare room joined the archive
Where Do You Think They Were? had developed a strange pattern.
Spare rooms were dangerous.
Grandparents’ homes were dangerous.
Family visits were particularly dangerous.
Carl’s Birmingham story combined all three with a working men’s club and an excessive quantity of potatoes.
Scott considered it one of the most complete conception stories the feature had produced.
Chris considered it information he had successfully avoided for 29 years and would have preferred to keep avoiding.
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