Scott finally came back
Scott returned after an unexpectedly long break which had left the normal daily podcast absent for several days.
Chris joked that he had almost forgotten what Scott looked like.
Scott said he had missed the programme and the team, while listeners messaged to say the daily routine finally felt normal again.
He had also returned with what he claimed was one of the cheapest haircuts of his life.
In Thailand, a woman had cut his hair for roughly 50 pence.
Scott and the hairdresser had little shared language, so he had largely communicated the desired length with his hands.
Against expectations, he thought it was one of the best haircuts he had ever had.
Chris compared it with the £20 or more Scott normally paid in Britain and could not understand how the economics worked.
Personalised Christmas gifts were getting darker
While Scott had been away, Chris and Jordan North had experimented with personalised Christmas products.
They rang businesses to see what messages they would actually print.
One call involved a candle shop and an extremely long breakup message spread over festive candles.
The idea was to begin with “Merry Christmas” and then reveal that the relationship was over.
Because the shop specialised in Welsh-language gifts, the customer-service conversation became even more complicated.
Scott loved the collision between an aggressively unhappy message and an object normally associated with cosy Christmas presents.
The feature also led into a wider discussion about personalised T-shirts and corporate Christmas gifts.
Radio 1 staff began imagining shirts listing every award somebody had ever won.
That reminded Chris of a much bigger personal problem.
Chris had never won anything
Chris complained that Scott had accumulated awards across his career while he had very little he could point to as his own.
He wanted to win anything.
If a business was holding an employee awards night and could quietly add Chris Stark to a category, he was interested.
Listeners began offering him completely invented or extremely local awards.
Companies said they could make certificates or add his name to a presentation.
Chris did not mind how legitimate the honour was.
He simply wanted a trophy which belonged to him.
Claude Littner got the worst Apprentice pitch imaginable
The show then welcomed Claude Littner from *The Apprentice*.
Claude understandably assumed he would be talking about the programme.
Scott and Chris had another plan.
Their homemade Radio 1 fragrance had progressed from a joke to an actual product, and they wanted business advice.
They explained the project, François the Nose, the listener market research and possible names.
Claude became increasingly unimpressed.
Scott tried to persuade him that a perfume connected with the show could be a viable commercial product.
Claude’s sighs became part of the interview.
The presenters even discussed names which sounded increasingly ridiculous, while Claude repeatedly tried to bring the conversation back towards business reality.
Near the end, Claude pointed out that nobody had actually asked him much about *The Apprentice*, the programme he had come on to promote.
Scott and Chris considered that evidence the pitch had been a success.
Claude appeared to hold a different view.
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