Chris sells Southampton
Chris had recorded a promotional voiceover for Southampton University, which appeared prouder of him after his success than it had during his studies. The script sold the university and city through the cricket ground, Westquay and the New Forest Show before concluding that Southampton offered something for everybody.
Scott compared the relentlessly positive delivery with Ja’mie’s advert for Hillford Girls Grammar in Summer Heights High. The imagined version gave Chris staged interruptions about enjoying sport, drama and academia before a teacher ordered him back to the library. He had completed his first proper voiceover, but Scott heard less a distinguished alumnus than Ja’mie in Southampton.
Ladies Day declares summer open
After delaying the announcement earlier in the week, Scott officially authorised shaving for summer. Legs, armpits, chests and any other chosen area could emerge from winter, with men included in the instruction.
Listeners reported their first shaved legs of the year and beauty therapists warned that the sudden rush might cost them a lunch break. Some refused to trust the weather, but Scott launched the “shaving rave” and welcomed everybody to summer. The annual ceremony had once again made him the unlikely national authority on when people could retrieve their razors.
Katie becomes a favourite
Listener Katie introduced herself through rapid facts: she was nicknamed Donvo, lacked common sense, fancied Drake, admired Fearne Cotton’s style and feared crabs. She also declared Scott her “Friday hottie” and used his photograph as her phone background.
In Real or No Real, actors really did suck ice cubes when filming summer scenes in cold weather so their breath would not show. Midsomer Murders had not killed more people than its fictional village contained, while Coco Chanel’s accidental tan in 1923 really did help make tanning fashionable. Katie initially explained the invention through farmers working in fields, then confused natural and fake tan before she and Scott finished level on 20 points. Her unpredictable reasoning generated an unusually large listener response.
The most painful social-media song
Footage from a conference featured a specially written anthem encouraging delegates to get “social”. The host taught the room to shout the word, Mary sang about spreading messages and finding fans, and the audience was instructed to photograph itself.
Scott compared it with San Marino’s Eurovision song about social networks but decided the conference performance had surpassed even that. The crowd never reached the level of enthusiasm its organiser imagined, while listeners said the embarrassment hurt their toenails and hair.
Sleep talk turns selfish
The week’s sleep recordings produced somebody called a “selfish cow”, a request to change an owner and more from the man auctioning a Taranga Lea adult waistcoat. Scott observed that many recordings were nonsense in which only a few recognisable words survived, but those fragments were enough to build whole imagined arguments.
He also considered the more frightening possibility of discovering an unexpected second voice on the recording. None had appeared yet, leaving “Go to the window, Gary” safely in place as the week’s benchmark.
Ashton relaxes with fishing
Ashton from 5 Seconds of Summer called from a hotel room in San Francisco. Activity in the lobby suggested a considerably more rock-and-roll evening downstairs, but he was watching a fishing programme because he was frightened of the dark and needed the television on to sleep.
Scott tested him with questions taken from online “Which member of 5SOS are you?” quizzes. Ashton chose a casual ideal date, an old-school Susanna Reid look and the option to play with furniture in Ikea. Against the usual logic of internet quizzes, the result said he was Ashton. Relieved not to become Michael, he returned to the fishing while fans celebrated the rare scientific confirmation that a band member was himself.
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