The aubergine emoji arrives too early
Scott began Thursday in an apologetic mood after spending the previous afternoon replying abruptly to colleagues. Chris suggested restoring the missing kisses to his messages, but the conversation moved to the aubergine emoji, which Scott did not want to receive first thing in the morning.
Listeners predictably sent it in large numbers. Matt Fincham was identified as a regular offender, while fried shrimp and sunglasses were considered acceptable alternatives. Scott now understood the emoji’s implication and objected even more strongly to its appearance before breakfast.
Is an office neck massage cheating?
Scott’s friend Emily had been offered a neck massage by the colleague sitting beside her every day. She initially agreed, then worried that accepting might cross a line. Scott considered a fully clothed shoulder rub between colleagues harmless; Chris thought it was inappropriate, especially if either person found the other attractive.
The team tested increasingly complicated scenarios involving friends, bosses, strangers and a 200-person conference where everybody formed a chain of massages. Scott was happy to be touched by a familiar manager but accepted that the director-general appearing behind him would feel different. The nearest thing to a rule was not to massage somebody one fancied, although that depended on everybody being honest about information their partners might not possess.
Benedict’s early paper round
Fourteen-year-old Benedict played Real or No Real while preparing for his first paper round during the Easter holiday. Jess Wright had not been invited to debate the future of the support bra at the Oxford Union. Greg James really had become too boisterous at the Student Radio Conference and been confined to his hotel by a boss, confirming that Scott and Chris’s train journey had not produced the event’s only poor behaviour.
Chris won 30 points to Benedict’s 20. Benedict then headed out with a particularly large round because the local free paper was being distributed that day, delighted that the Breakfast cover allowed him to hear the show live rather than through its podcast.
Strangers read Chris’s messages
Chris pretended that he had forgotten his contact lenses and asked passers-by to read texts from his phone. Scott’s number had been renamed “Beccy”, allowing him to send messages without the volunteer realising they came from the person controlling the stunt.
The strangers had to deliver increasingly uncomfortable lines about discoveries, relationships and what “Beccy” could do later. Some read ahead and became nervous; others pressed on while feeling responsible for breaking bad news. Chris never saw a message before handing over the phone, leaving both him and each passer-by trapped in Scott’s invented personal crisis.
Greg and Fern join the soaking
A planned guest withdrew, so Greg James honoured an old promise to act as reserve. He arrived in shorts, with bed hair and a morning voice, admitting he had not expected the offer to become real. The game began with Eoin Morgan’s wet balls, Greg Wallace learning about sucking speed and Thomas Plant telling Bargain Hunt that he had blown everything for £10.
Fearne Cotton briefly joined the water fight as Annie Mac virtually caressed a listener’s stubbly head. The Cambridge boat crew lost their cox, a music-video director had a helmet everybody wanted, and Gadget Man supplied the poetic line “Rosie fingered on, freaks our slumber”. John Virgo wondered whether a ball would kiss the pink before Dale Winton closed the game with a contestant choosing head.
Greg and Chris were thoroughly soaked, Fearne’s freshly applied make-up had been endangered and the last-minute replacement proved exactly the team player Scott needed at an unusually early 09:30.
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