New freedom at the Tap End
Chris’s mother buying a new car brought back memories of the small red Corsa he had driven as a teenager. He returned to his 17th year in 24 Years at the Tap End, when school was still causing him unnecessary stress but friends beginning to pass their driving tests were opening up an entirely different kind of education. Chinese Dave was the first of the group to qualify, although their new freedom initially took them no farther than Topgolf or a 24-hour supermarket in Watford.
Supermarket trips led to disposable barbecues, and those developed into what the group called “extreme barbecuing”. Like extreme ironing, the idea was to perform an ordinary activity in an unusual place, although Scott pointed out that lighting charcoal and waiting for sausages made it considerably less spontaneous. The lads attempted barbecues beside tourist attractions and even outside the gates of Lee Latchford-Evans’s house, simply so they could claim to have done it.
Chinese Dave drove four of them to a park in Pinner for another barbecue. With the boot open and music playing, Chazza noticed four girls approaching. One knew Webbo, while the other three were French visitors staying with her family. Chazza offered one of them a sausage, but his louder second attempt did nothing to overcome the language barrier. Chris stepped in with the GCSE French he had previously dismissed as useless and believed his knowledge of German made him appear even more cultured.
The visitors stayed for burgers, sausages and conversation. Chris bonded with one girl over a packet of Skips, which seemed completely new to her. After finishing them, she suddenly leaned over and kissed him in front of everyone, then stopped just as abruptly and left with her friends. Scott wondered whether it had been a distraction theft while somebody stole the sausages, but Chris preferred to credit the combination of his language skills, food and European sophistication.
Chris mistakes the police for MI5
Six months after Chinese Dave, Chris passed his own driving test and marked the occasion by going straight to Topgolf. About a month later, he and Webbo were returning from Watford when they realised a car had followed them through several turns. Chris had been watching Spooks and convinced himself that MI5 might be tracking Webbo. He tried to test the theory by leaving the main Rickmansworth Road, only for the other car to follow again.
The situation became more frightening when lights appeared and the occupants signalled for him to stop. Chris pulled over so nervously that he hit the kerb. The mystery pursuers were police officers who had only become interested after seeing his increasingly erratic driving and thinking he looked very young. Asked why he had accelerated away, Chris admitted that he thought spies were following him. The officers told him to drive more carefully and let him continue.
The Corsa later provided another humiliation when Chris left its lights on and broke down outside a girls’ school, forcing him to call his parents. Driving had not immediately taken the group to glamorous destinations, but it had supplied new experiences, including an unexpected French kiss and the discovery that behaving like a character in Spooks was an effective way to attract the real police.
The X Factor’s most passionate mum
Scott played a recording of a mother watching The X Factor results with her son Jordan. She became completely invested as Dermot O’Leary prepared to announce the outcome, then erupted when Union J survived. Her celebrations included several words which had to be covered with trumpets, followed by an angry demand that Jordan stop laughing because the result was serious.
Scott loved the intensity of the reaction and compared her with a famously vocal woman who sat several rows behind Chris at Watford matches. He hoped Jordan would film his mother again during the final and found himself wanting Union J to win purely to hear what she might do next.
Loving the Trolls
Lawrence, the programme’s computer-generated voice, returned to remove the sting from abusive online comments. The first critic called the team morons, described the conversation as awful radio and demanded more music. Another accused Chris of inventing every Tap End story, while Scott was told that his musical knowledge was so offensive that the writer would rather listen to Katy Perry presenting Radio 1.
The strongest complaint claimed the listener would cut off his “testically” and use them as earplugs rather than hear the programme. Lawrence’s pronunciation made the threat sound too ridiculous to hurt anyone. Scott encouraged listeners who received abuse online to imagine every troll speaking in the same robotic voice.
Real or No Real
Women and children really were more likely to prefer smooth peanut butter while men tended to choose crunchy, supporting Scott’s instinct that nuts made it a more traditionally male choice. Dougie Poynter did not have pop’s longest tongue at nine inches, and eating a rasher of bacon every day would not extend somebody’s life by 15 minutes.
The word “bride” really did derive from an Old English word associated with cooking, giving the team the day’s best fact to repeat to friends. Rihanna had not released 52 singles during 2012, despite appearing so regularly that the claim briefly seemed plausible. Chris won with 40 points, ahead of Scott on 20.
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