Dan and Phil return for Innuendo Bingo
Dan Howell and Phil Lester returned after becoming friends with the programme during the Edinburgh Festival. Their online following meant listeners had arranged school, college and lunch breaks around watching the game live, while one person displayed it through a PlayStation. Radio 1 planned to publish the footage on YouTube for those who could not watch.
Dan and Phil had previously tried an improvised version of Innuendo Bingo in Edinburgh, where Phil missed the bin and created a health-and-safety problem. The Radio 1 studio was protected by its familiar sheet, although its unexplained collection of stains immediately attracted comment.
The opening cartoon clip described different peoples living together, with the repeated phrase “were alive” producing the first spray. Susanna Reid invited a guest to see The Lion King and promised to bring spare underpants, while Formula 1 commentary again supplied the line about somebody limbering up “like he was a penis getting ready to perform”. Dan and Chris took the brunt of the water in the original seating arrangement.
Happy endings, Tiger Woods and a duck niche
An EastEnders character announced that he was “an absolute sucker for a happy ending”, and a football commentator described a shoulder coming across the face of the Arsenal goalkeeper. Tiger Woods then rammed a three-footer into the middle of the hole, while David Hasselhoff demonstrated shaking something to the end before tossing it.
With Phil receiving most of the water, Scott paused the game for musical chairs. The new formation made little difference. Soccer AM discussed a tricky back passage, local radio asked whether a bird had been boned out and praised its duck niche, and Hungry Sailors presented a very forward-looking lady’s pie.
Cricket commentary moved from the field to the toss, and Jake Humphrey introduced Sebastian Vettel’s helmet as the sort Katie Price might enjoy bringing into a room. A final Flog It! clip considered the price of a figure and the amount of milk it could produce. Dan’s delayed reaction led to one last blast of water which left the players, floor and furniture soaked. Scott judged it even wetter than their Edinburgh attempt.
Edward’s leap over Amanda Holden
Show introducer Edward was a member of the acrobatic group Spelbound, winners of Britain’s Got Talent in 2010. His claim referred to a routine in which other members threw him over Amanda Holden’s head. The group had rehearsed in the studio several days beforehand to satisfy safety requirements and protect a head which Edward assumed was insured for millions.
Acrobatics had since become his full-time work. He had performed during both the Olympic and Paralympic closing ceremonies on the grasshopper structure, placing him about three metres from Rihanna and Coldplay. He offered to visit Radio 1 and flip over Scott’s head, an idea Scott found both exciting and frightening.
Radio 1’s netball team faces the league leaders
Scott had become heavily invested in a netball team formed by female friends and colleagues, despite the players declining his offers of sponsorship, kit and motivational talks. The new side had lost its first two games, including one result described by listeners as a drubbing, and was now due to face the league leaders.
He wanted to attend with commentators, cheerleaders and a marching band. Sara Cox and Gemma Cairney were among those expected to play, but another Gemma had nearly withdrawn because league rules required short nails. She regarded her long nails as part of her identity, so the team sought permission for her to wear gloves or cover them with plasters. Scott remained convinced that the eventual first victory would be magnificent.
Real or No Real with Rhianna Dhillon
Rhianna Dhillon joined Scott for the game. A combination of sprouts, pistachio nuts and pine cones did not enable human wind to kill a bear. Capturing a cloud in a pint glass and fermenting it for four weeks did not create cotton wool either.
White cars genuinely were stolen more often than cars of any other colour. Crows could recognise human faces and warn other crows about people they considered dangerous, despite Beccy’s argument that such intelligence ought to make scarecrows ineffective. Penguins had been around five feet tall 36 million years earlier.
The final claim, that giraffes could sniff their own bottoms, was false. Rhianna won by 50 points to Scott’s 30.
Celebrity skin and Chris’s anti-anti-ageing idea
The team discussed whether famous people physically felt different from everybody else. Listeners reported that Justin Timberlake had an ordinary hairy leg and that Rihanna felt normal even when she had to prise an overexcited fan’s fingers from her. Scott wanted to conduct a blind test using a celebrity and somebody from reception.
Chris had meanwhile started using moisturiser and under-eye products after encouragement from Scott. His real ambition was to find an ageing cream which would help him look 25 and stop him being asked for identification. A shop assistant had treated the request as ridiculous, but Scott thought it was a gap in the market worthy of another pitch to Deborah Meaden.
Scott also recalled sitting in Bruno Mars’s place at the Brit Awards and eating one of the singer’s roast potatoes before being moved. As he left, he accidentally brushed Bruno’s bottom. This became the programme’s alternative explanation for the lyrics of “Locked Out of Heaven”.
—
COMMENTS