A Royal Wedding edition of 24 Years at the Tap End
The new week began with another chapter of 24 Years at the Tap End, this time dedicated to Beccy because of what Chris considered her close resemblance to Kate Middleton. He clarified that he did not mean they looked alike, but believed both were strong, independent women, supporters of the Scout movement and held in high regard by British society. Beccy revealed that Kate’s involvement had inspired her to volunteer with the Scouts and that she had recently made her first woggle.
Chris returned to 29 April 2011, the day Prince William married Kate Middleton. He had spent the morning at his aunt’s house, where the family served Pimm’s, patriotic cakes and sandwiches and dressed his grandmother, who was the same age as the Queen, in a tiara and scarf. Although he enjoyed the occasion, he thought the wedding could have been a bigger spectacle and suggested that the couple might have danced down the aisle or arrived by zip wire.
Becoming bored with watching television, Chris headed into London with his friends Gus and Greg. They bought cardboard masks of Prince Harry, Prince Philip and Camilla Parker Bowles and discovered that tourists treated them as substitute members of the Royal Family. People asked for photographs, families joined in and the trio high-fived pensioners and patted children on the head as they made their way towards Buckingham Palace.
A television interview turns into a royal fight
An American television crew stopped the masked friends for an interview. Their attempt to break America deteriorated when Greg, wearing the Camilla mask, grabbed the presenter and tried to kiss her. Chris, dressed as Prince Philip, pushed him away, prompting a brief argument and reconciliation in front of the cameras. Chris later followed the presenter on Twitter but had been unable to find out whether the footage was broadcast.
Greg then decided that the mask might help him bluff his way through the gates of Buckingham Palace. He managed a few steps before the police reacted. Chris ran after him to intervene but was grabbed and put on the ground before he had crossed the threshold. Greg was forced back at gunpoint, although the officers appeared to be in a forgiving mood amid the celebrations. The three friends completed the day in a karaoke bar, still wearing their masks.
Chris concluded that a cardboard face did not make somebody royal, but it did make them much more attractive to tourists. His more practical warning was never to attempt to walk into Buckingham Palace, even while dressed as Camilla Parker Bowles.
The Tap End theme tune develops
The feature’s new theme tune was beginning to win Scott over, although further additions were planned. Chris had contacted a gospel choir but was unsure whether its members were enthusiastic. Scott suggested a gay men’s gospel choir he had once seen at a festival, while a school choir was proposed for a possible Christmas version. Their fictional son Maximus Aurelius would also have a part to play as the track evolved.
Real or No Real
The first claim said there were 22 ways to recreate a woman’s breasts using text symbols. After surveying the punctuation and number keys for likely candidates, Scott, Chris and Beccy correctly accepted it as real. Lady Gaga had also genuinely said she wrote “Born This Way” in ten minutes.
It was not more hygienic to lick a toilet bowl than shake hands with a stranger, and a beaver could not cut down three square miles of forest in a week. The claim that Tom Jones had never left Wales was an obvious invention.
The final supposed fact stated that somebody who removed all the veins from their body and laid them in a line would die. Although the physical consequences seemed difficult to dispute, the item had come from Marlon Dingle’s fake-facts account and was therefore officially marked “no real”. The team warned listeners not to test it.
Roger the body double
Show introducer Roger claimed to be a Swedish body double for Arnold Schwarzenegger and Zac Efron. His film credits became steadily less convincing when he placed Zac in Marley & Me and Speed. It emerged that Roger was actually Chris, who had pretended to leave the studio for lunch because no genuine introducer had been found.
Beccy’s private messages
After Beccy had previously exposed Scott’s texts, Chris read several messages she had sent to Scott and asked her to explain them. One imagined their usually quiet colleague enjoying sangria, karaoke and hotel bingo on holiday. Another concerned the books which appeared beside Scott’s in an online search, including a title called How to Disgrace a Lady.
Beccy had also been searching the production music library for tracks with names such as “Mr Disco Bumpy Plums”, “Sweaty Tash” and “Dairylea Triangles”. A message about somebody’s sister referred to newsreader Duncan Middleton and the fact that his sister had appeared as Sir Alan Sugar’s receptionist during the first series of The Apprentice.
The most dramatic text described police battering down the door of the flat opposite Beccy’s. Watching through the spyhole, she told her boyfriend to move away in case the occupant began shooting back. Her boyfriend was on crutches and instead opened their own door to ask the officers whether everything was all right.
The final message simply asked, “Booty call?” Beccy had sent it after Scott requested the telephone number of Emily Atack’s mother. Scott admitted that he had since met her at a jazz café, reinforcing his reputation for taking a particular interest in celebrity mothers.
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