Chris discovers Countryfile
Show introducer Reece remembered causing a pile-up on a shopping-centre escalator when his undone shoelace became trapped at the bottom. Christmas shoppers continued to travel towards him while he remained fixed in place, leaving security staff to free him as people piled up behind. He was now helping to run a radio talent competition called The Air Factor, whose winner was recording Jason Mraz’s “I Won’t Give Up” after a final featuring an Elton John tribute act and a cancelled Lady Gaga impersonator.
Fearne’s missing birthday stripper
Scott and Chris admitted that their contribution to Fearne Cotton’s birthday celebrations had fallen some way below the orchestra and celebrity guests previously arranged for Chris Moyles. Their plan had been for Scott to announce that somebody needed arresting before Chris entered as a police stripper, but they could not find the police hat normally kept in Radio 1’s dressing-up box. A green St Patrick’s Day hat, turned inside out and paired with a tracksuit and banana, had failed to rescue the idea before Fearne’s show ended.
Scott proposed trying again the following day, possibly by recruiting a real police officer and creating photographs of Fearne being led away in handcuffs. Beccy became the main suspect in the disappearance because she had last been seen wearing the hat during Innuendo Bingo. Scott offered an amnesty if it was returned to his desk, while Chris tried to work out how he was meant to perform the routine without either a convincing uniform or any experience of what a police stripper was supposed to say.
The secret behind steaming food
Chris’s enthusiasm for lunch led to a discussion of food photography after he described a chicken dish with rice and polenta. Scott said it was difficult to make meals look as appetising in photographs as they did on restaurant menus, then revealed a professional trick he had been told about: microwaving a damp tampon and hiding it behind the plate to create steam. Chris refused to believe him until listeners working in photography confirmed that the method was real.
The team also prepared to inspect a new gym together. Both were uneasy about meeting colleagues while exercising and about recreating the awkward workout scenes between Bryn and Smithy in Gavin & Stacey. They realised, however, that they had already shared stranger experiences: Scott had once given Chris a wet shave, they had received massages on opposite sides of a thin partition, and Scott had dressed him as Lady Gaga for a video.
Countryfile, Helen Skelton and Matt Baker
Chris used show and tell to introduce his surprising new television obsession, Countryfile. He had become absorbed by a Sunday-night episode about topiary, Oxfordshire crocodiles and the programme’s extended weather forecast. Helen Skelton was his favourite presenter, while he admired Matt Baker’s ability to walk and talk at the same time and wondered whether Baker’s constant cheerfulness concealed a much angrier off-camera personality.
Listeners were asked whether anybody had ever seen Matt irritated. The best evidence was a brief disappointment after criticism on Strictly Come Dancing, while most encounters suggested he really was consistently pleasant. Chris wanted any role that might get him onto Countryfile, even if it meant researching hedgehogs or helping behind the scenes. Scott admitted that he honked his car horn whenever he passed the homes of Faye or Lee from Steps, prompting listeners to confess that they did the same outside homes belonging to Bear Grylls, Sting and the Beckhams.
Charlie Sloth plays Real or No Real
Charlie Sloth arrived shortly before beginning his new Radio 1Xtra afternoon show, having promised Scott a cardboard crown from a burger restaurant. He defended the excited noises used in his trailer, explained that the programme would contain hip-hop and R&B, and joined Scott for Real or No Real. The genuine facts included that the dot over a lower-case “i” is called a tittle and that placing pennies in other people’s ears is illegal in Hawaii; invented claims concerned Princess Margaret playing triangle on the first test CD and flavoured stamps celebrating the end of the Second World War.
Scott won the round but handed Charlie his Danny Howard points as a present for the new show. The programme also heard about Scott’s exhausting journey through Athens airport, where he had considered sleeping on his suitcase with a note asking somebody to wake him for his flight. It reminded him of an earlier connection with Chris when they accidentally left the secure area, passed through the same checks twice and found that Scott set off the detector only on his second attempt.
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