Scott begins Radio 1’s shortest breakfast show
Scott began a peculiar week in Radio 1 history, taking over the breakfast slot for five days between the end of Chris Moyles’s show and the launch of Nick Grimshaw’s new programme. He and Chris wondered whether that made him the station’s shortest-serving breakfast presenter. Scott decided future readers of his CV only needed to see “September 2012”, without any indication that the job had lasted a single week.
There were no proper jingles and no agreed name. “Scott and the gang” was immediately rejected because Scott hated presenters saying “morning, gang”, while “Scott and the morning crew” sounded equally unconvincing. Listeners were invited to make their own jingles for what became known as the shortest breakfast show in Radio 1 history.
The early start also affected Scott’s speech. He introduced Lady Gaga as “Gayly Lala”, then struggled to recover while Chris replayed the mistake. Scott argued that it was at least better for the error to happen before the programme’s largest audience had arrived.
Zac Purchase brings his Olympic medals
Olympic rower Zac Purchase became the first athlete in a week of Team GB guests. He brought his gold medal from Beijing and silver from London, explaining that the 2012 medal was noticeably larger. Zac carried the medals with him and admitted he had once left the Beijing gold in a taxi, recovering it only after throwing himself in front of the vehicle to stop it.
Scott enjoyed the way Olympic athletes had become the country’s new celebrities and suggested a medal could function like an especially powerful Blue Peter badge. Zac agreed it could probably open nightclub doors, although he stopped short of using it as a battering ram.
Zac was also presented with one of the show’s novelty strip pens. He promised to place it alongside his framed medals and take it to future press events, adding himself to Scott’s distinguished list of recipients alongside Pink and Lana Del Rey.
Zac Purchase plays Innuendo Bingo
Zac came prepared for Innuendo Bingo in a complete waterproof Team GB tracksuit, while Chris had only his jeans, T-shirt and a new purple tie supplied by Gemma Cairney. The game opened with a Five Live warning to be careful when sleeping with a pet, followed by The Archers discussing a champion welly-wanger and somebody who had “not long finished milking himself”.
Zac quickly understood that he was meant to aim at Chris rather than the bin. A BBC Breakfast report about staff being treated like “privates”, an X Factor USA judge saying she had spent more time going through a contestant than anyone else and Woman’s Hour asking where all the less experienced students were produced increasingly large sprays.
A helicopter programme referred to a woman being winched for the first time, while Five Live’s proposal for improving football repeatedly involved pulling men off the pitch. Richard Madeley and a final Graham Norton clip finished the game with water dripping from Zac’s nose and Chris’s clothes. Zac said he had enjoyed being the feature’s guinea pig, and the recording was prepared for Radio 1’s YouTube channel.
A sinking boat in 24 Years at the Tap End
Ahead of the feature’s new season, the programme repeated a chapter from Chris’s 20th year. He had moved into a Southampton student house converted from an old people’s home, complete with handrails, warning notices, numerous bathrooms and the remnants of a stairlift. A locked cupboard eventually revealed a collection of old adult videos, including one called Boomerilla.
The central story concerned a staff fishing trip organised by Jesters nightclub. Strong wind prevented proper fishing, so the trout-farm owner caught fish with a net for the group to barbecue. The staff sheltered in a low marquee, where one man removed his clothes and swung from the frame to the Baywatch theme. Chris still had video evidence of the performance.
Later, Chris and several colleagues found a small boat without oars and pushed away from the bank. It began taking on water in a river only about five feet deep, but Chris panicked and jumped for the shore. His childhood personal-survival training helped him until Alan pulled him out. He spent the rest of the night soaked, without a sleeping bag, sharing a tent with the man who had earlier been swinging naked from the marquee.
Deborah Meaden rejects “Shah-who’s That Man?”
Chris returned to Deborah Meaden with another investment opportunity. His proposed app, “Shah-who’s That Man?”, would use facial-recognition technology to identify somebody seen in a street or nightclub, sparing the user from having to ask their name.
Deborah pointed out that asking somebody directly was often a useful way to begin a conversation. Chris nevertheless requested £400,000, estimating that the facial-recognition software would cost “loads” and offering Deborah 50 per cent once the business was winning.
She finally asked whether saying two magic words would make him leave her alone. Those words were “I’m out”, ending the call after one minute and 30 seconds. Chris maintained that she had sounded pleased and had rejected one of his better ideas.
Dear Scott and the chart’s lesser-known members
In Dear Scott, listeners proposed the old Grandstand theme as pre-gym music, sent photographic evidence of an unusual belly button and asked what Chris had eaten for lunch. Another remembered the audience member who had shouted “First time!” during Chris’s GCSE-geography stand-up set, and explained that he now used the cry for milestones including a speeding ticket, an encounter with a dancer and a conversation with US immigration.
Scott also revisited Amelia Lily’s appearance on the Official Chart. She had expected “You Bring Me Joy” to challenge for number one, only to discover live that it had entered at number two. The Script’s “Hall of Fame” took the top spot, with drummer Glen Power joining by telephone.
Scott and Chris realised they knew Danny O’Donoghue but had barely heard of Glen or guitarist Mark Sheehan. They proposed championing the lesser-known members of successful bands, perhaps putting Glen on The Voice alongside Will Champion from Coldplay.
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