The one allotted phone call
Scott and Chris nervously rang Alfred from a withheld number. They had promised to try once, with silence meaning that he no longer wanted his private life discussed on Radio 1. He answered.
Alfred had called the woman he was seeing in Britain and attempted to explain that the relationship was not working. She had been unexpectedly kind, talked him round and prevented the clean break he had expected. He continued to insist she was not technically his girlfriend, although the distinction sounded increasingly weak.
The Spanish woman remained “the one”. Alfred had added her on Facebook and was using an app to learn Spanish, but had not told her that their encounter had become a national radio storyline. He now intended to speak to the British woman properly on Sunday.
The show offered another single call on Monday. Alfred could answer if he wanted to continue the story or let it ring out if he wanted them to disappear. Scott recognised that sensible boundaries suggested leaving him alone, but the unfolding soap opera made that very difficult.
The first student campaign song
Irish Brian had won the University of Lincoln presidency, giving Scott a reason to play his “Royals” manifesto again. The show then found what it believed to be the original student-election cover: Lawrence’s 2010 University of Nottingham campaign for activities officer.
Set to Kesha’s “Tik Tok”, it promised more space, storage, support, events, societies and help with debt. The format was already complete four years earlier: recognisable pop song, rewritten manifesto, campus locations and a candidate prepared to sing his way through policy.
Joe McElderry provided a professional variation by changing Beyoncé’s “Halo” to “Harlow” during a gig in Essex. Scott regarded the tiny geographical rewrite as exactly the kind of acknowledgement an audience wanted.
Songs for Grimmy’s undercarriage
Nick Grimshaw was preparing to cycle continuously for twelve hours in a transparent box outside the BBC, with four other bikes helping Radio 1 reach 1,000 miles for Sport Relief. Guests would include pop stars, models, soap actors, athletes and reality-TV personalities.
Scott and Chris worried less about Grimmy’s legs than the contact between saddle and perineum. Chris wrote two motivational songs. One adapted Ladyhawke into “Stop Chafing on My Perineum”, with references to his undercarriage, gooch and delicate areas. The other transformed “Red Red Wine” into “Red Red Raw”. Listeners were asked which one should accompany the challenge.
Danny Howard’s Real or No Real confirmed that Pitbull misnamed Alfred Hitchcock as Albert in “I Know You Want Me”. Adele’s “Someone Like You” had not been written for Kesha, but an American cat really had been sent to therapy after attacking its owners and forcing them to barricade themselves in a bedroom. Lebanese food was not especially popular for first dates because of supposed aphrodisiac ingredients.
The show finished with Scott and Chris finally leaving for the promised Lebanese meal, after first planning to wave at Fearne Cotton through The One Show window.
—
COMMENTS