How to massage an avocado
Scott’s discovery of online instructional films inspired him to fill what he considered an important gap. Supermarket avocados were often too hard to eat immediately, but he believed a few minutes of massage could soften them. Chris had previously mistaken the fruit in Scott’s hands for a stress ball.
The resulting video showed Scott rolling and squeezing an avocado while explaining the technique. He could not remember who had taught it to him or prove that it worked, but a search produced guides to choosing avocados and making face masks without finding another devoted to massage. During filming, the example proved slightly too ripe and burst.
Listeners offered instructional success stories involving car mirrors, stereos, ovens, porridge, shirts and windsurfing. A caller named Ali had independently massaged her lunchtime avocado before hearing the discussion, which Scott treated as confirmation that the public needed his expertise. Chris thought the films were ideally suited to somebody who had begun trying to do more for himself but still required help with the basics.
Scott had nevertheless eaten chicken in a bag every night for two weeks since his flatmate moved in with his girlfriend. Their arrangement required the former flatmate to return and cook once a fortnight, so that evening promised his first different meal. Scott hoped the special dinner would not simply be another bag of chicken.
Radio 1’s meltdown
The previous day’s ban on saying “big” or “weekend” had caused similar failures across Radio 1. A montage collected presenters becoming furious with themselves, falling silent, shouting in panic and accusing colleagues of deliberate traps as the giveaway alarm repeatedly sounded.
Scott’s own mistake sat alongside Nick Grimshaw, Alex Jones and Sara Cox, whose horrified “Have I said it? Oh no!” became his favourite reaction. Once the tickets had been awarded, everybody could finally use both words freely, producing a deliberately excessive chorus of “big weekend” at the end of the compilation.
The feature becomes Fish Pie Sue
More listeners searched their contacts for people remembered only through a strange description. Examples included Michelle Hot Curves, Buttery Gary, Steve Money Kavos, Guy from the Bar and Jamie Thailand. The last had become the contact’s husband, but his name had never been updated after their meeting abroad.
Scott found “Rob Farmer” in his own phone and guessed the number came from a recent Young Farmers’ event. Rob immediately texted the studio to confirm his existence. Elsewhere, listeners had saved tradespeople, holiday encounters and people with ambitious business ideas which made no sense after the night ended.
The show replayed the call to “Sexy Josh, I love him, I want to dance with him” and set a larger target for Friday: tracing Fish Pie Sue. Because her name had inspired the entire experiment, Scott and Chris began using it as the feature’s title. “Coming up at 2.30, Fish Pie Sue” sounded good enough to keep.
Mollycoddling tulips in public
A listener sent a photograph of Scott posing during dinner with a man who had given him an album called Searching for Pie. Scott always agreed to photographs, even when somebody approached halfway through a meal, but Chris wanted listeners to replace the usual request with a shouted Innuendo Bingo line.
Someone had recently startled Scott outside the gym by yelling, “Do you mollycoddle your tulips at Swithins Bank?” The phrase came from Gardeners’ Question Time and remained a favourite of both the show and Greg James. Chris encouraged anybody spotting Scott in public to shout it without warning.
Sara Cox plays Real or No Real
Sam Ryder’s cat really was called Kitty Purry, a tribute name which led Sara and Scott into a discussion of Snoop Dogg’s shift to Snoop Lion and whether the rebrand affected his range of dog snacks. The first man to survive Niagara Falls in a barrel really did later die after slipping on orange peel, cutting his leg and developing gangrene.
Carol Vorderman had not posed naked with two consonants and a vowel preserving her modesty. Scott said he had declined invitations to nude photoshoots because there was no public demand, a claim Sara refused to accept. She herself had once modelled with strategically placed objects but not the proposed Countdown letters.
Sara had not been photographed outside Broadcasting House discreetly correcting a wedgie, although she admitted doing exactly that inside the building while making accidental eye contact with a colleague. She left after another characteristically frank appearance, with the show promising more Innuendo Bingo the following day.
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