Preparing Chris for Hollywood
Chris remained anxious about Friday’s unidentified Hollywood interview. He understood that the star would spend the day sitting in a hotel room as journalists arrived in rapid succession to ask largely identical questions, but he did not know how to begin if he failed to recognise the person in front of him.
Scott offered a crash course based on years of doing such interviews. His first rule was to begin positively, complimenting the guest or showing enthusiasm for their work. Starting with a criticism could make the entire conversation collapse, while a few flattering words would usually secure a warmer response.
The first rehearsal cast Scott as Jennifer Aniston. Chris opened by saying she looked hot, briefly confused her with Jennifer Ellison and then identified her as “the girl from Friends”. His next move was to ask whether she wore bras with sections cut out, based on something Scott had once told him. Ordered to begin again, he complimented her film before panicking and asking whether she was interested in taxidermy.
Scott then became Morgan Freeman. Chris confused his voice with the caller in Phone Booth, thought Kiefer Sutherland might have been involved and asked which films Freeman had made. Once given The Shawshank Redemption, he recognised his guest but immediately challenged him about appearing in car-insurance adverts. A second attempt produced compliments about Freeman looking manly, having lots of money and deserving to become president, but almost no questions.
The final role-play was Brad Pitt. Chris began with a chat-up line, failed to recognise the name and asked what it was like working with lions, having confused Pitt with Russell Crowe in Gladiator. When Scott suggested using generic subjects, Chris could think only of asking what the actor had eaten for lunch. Listeners were invited to provide three emergency questions which could be asked of absolutely any A-lister.
Who is the future of radio?
Four Radio 1 interns had spent three weeks creating a live programme asking who represented the future of radio. Nick Grimshaw, Charlie Sloth and Toddla T would each receive 20 minutes to make their case before listeners voted.
Scott had promised his support to every candidate whenever they appeared in front of him. Grimmy sent a mock-threatening message recalling their time performing together in Edinburgh and warning that choosing somebody else would break his heart. Charlie had already been contacting people across the station for public endorsements, while Toddla T arrived in the studio shortly before the live programme and found Scott attempting to avoid any firm commitment.
Caroline at the Tap End
Chris devoted 24 Years at the Tap End to his first car, a red Vauxhall Corsa called Caroline. The vehicle belonged to his mother, but he routinely pretended it was his. Every time he borrowed it, he searched the seats for magazines, potpourri or other objects which might expose the truth to his friends.
His temporary modifications included a cassette adaptor for a portable CD or MP3 player, retuned radio stations and an air freshener shaped like breasts. A hydraulic hand attached to the back window allowed the passenger to raise a plastic middle finger at drivers who followed too closely. Everything had to be removed before his mother reclaimed the car, although Chris occasionally forgot and left her facing both the air freshener and the gesture.
He named the Corsa after “Caroline” in Outkast’s “Roses” and played music loudly with the windows open, even during winter. His friend Chinese Dave passed his driving test first and carried the group to football, London and other places they could not previously reach.
Chris repaid him by making a compilation called Now That’s What I Call Chinese Dave, filled with Will Smith, the Ghostbusters theme, Shaggy and Jodie Marsh. Chinese Dave disliked it but kept it in the car. When the vehicle was later stolen and abandoned near Milton Keynes, thieves removed everything, including the manual, yet left Chris’s CD on the passenger seat. Chris treated its rejection as a symbol of extraordinary resilience.
Toddla T plays Real or No Real
Toddla T stayed for Real or No Real before the interns’ election programme. It really was impossible to inhale through the nose and speak normally at the same time. A man had not become trapped inside a giant working version of the board game Mouse Trap, and Flo Rida did not spend weekends wearing a monocle to correct his eyesight.
Coldplay really had used several earlier names, including Starfish and the deeply unpromising Big Fat Noises. Toddla T finished with 20 points to Scott’s ten, a result he took as a promising sign before asking listeners to use the carefully spelled hashtag supporting him.
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