A Coventry supporter misses the entire result
A football phone-in supplied a perfect example of an error which could not be styled out. Coventry City supporter Dan called BBC Coventry and Warwickshire after leaving the club’s match against Crewe Alexandra two minutes early. Believing it had finished goalless, he complained that Coventry had failed to win a game they should have taken comfortably.
The presenters repeatedly tried to tell him that Coventry had actually won 2–0. Both goals had arrived after he left, including an own goal and a Leon Clarke header. Dan initially refused to believe them, then had to accept that he had missed the entire decisive part of the match before calling the radio station to criticise the result.
Scott and Chris asked listeners for similarly embarrassing mistakes which had left no possibility of recovery. One person bought crisps at a garage and asked to eat in, another climbed into the passenger seat of their own car before remembering they were supposed to drive, and somebody ordered saag aloo in a Chinese restaurant. A caller described getting into a stranger’s car after mistaking it for his mother’s, while Scott remembered confidently entering an ordinary vehicle he thought was his taxi.
Alice Levine and the 5am Viennetta
Scott shared some delayed gossip from the Brit Awards about Alice Levine, whom the programme was still calling Barbara Windsor. After arriving home at about 5am, Alice had opened her freezer and eaten an entire Viennetta on her own. She later admitted on air that she had not even bothered with a spoon and had used a spatula instead.
Chris decided Viennetta was exactly the pudding Alice looked like. He could not fully explain the comparison, but insisted that she was neither a trifle nor a banana fritter. The nickname and the image of her eating directly from the frozen dessert were enough to turn a private post-Brits snack into public Radio 1 gossip.
A final party for the one that doesn’t speak
The team had held a leaving party for the producer known as the one that doesn’t speak. Everybody took a short turn DJing, including Scott, Chris, Radio 1 receptionist Claire and one of the station’s bosses. Scott was disappointed that his carefully chosen power ballads did not transform the room, despite playing Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing”. Chris’s own choices included Little Chris, The Hoff’s “Jump in My Car” and Sunset Strippers.
Beccy arrived expecting to perform five songs but brought no CDs apart from an emergency Foals album. Scott allowed her to share his set instead, although her lack of preparation was compared unfavourably with the approach Calvin Harris or Swedish House Mafia might take to an international booking.
Listeners asked whether the one that doesn’t speak would finally be heard on his final day. Scott initially worried that revealing his real voice would destroy the mystery, while another suggestion involved performing the complete “Gangnam Style” dance on the studio camera.
Simon Webbe interrupts Real or No Real
An early edition of Real or No Real confirmed that new Google employees were called Nooglers and received propeller hats, and that an early conception of the internet had been described as a “galactic network”. Humans really did tend to walk in circles when blindfolded without a point of reference, while the stories about David Attenborough keeping his local milkman in business and Calvin Klein preferring not to wear underwear were declared no real.
The game was briefly derailed when Simon Webbe from Blue walked past the studio in a striking hat. Scott and Chris became so excited that they stopped concentrating on the question, shouted his name and then mistakenly referred to Lee Ryan as he disappeared along the corridor.
Scott thanks the producer behind the show
Beccy returned to join Scott and Chris for the proper farewell. The one that doesn’t speak had worked with Scott for more than ten years, beginning on the programme Scott presented at four in the morning. Scott explained that the producer’s unusual brain had generated many of the calls, stunts and features which had made listeners laugh over the years.
His ideas included One Night with Laura, which took a tour bus around the country to find former team member Laura a boyfriend. She eventually married one of the finalists. Scott also credited him with Flirt Divert, Lloyd the Football Expert, The Real Meaning of R Kelly’s Trapped in the Closet, Singing Wing, Barry O’Key, the Fun and Filth Cabaret, Random Acts of Kindness and Scott Cam.
The producer had also persuaded major guests to record deeply strange material. Mika introduced “Mika Masala”, CeeLo Green took part in “CeeLo House”, Chace Crawford presented a baby-food challenge and Dave Pearce repeatedly invited people to smell his finger. One of Scott’s favourite creations was an imaginary album called Adele Laughs Popular TV Things, built from Adele’s distinctive laugh.
Scott thanked the one that doesn’t speak for working tirelessly behind the scenes and keeping the programme under control. He then allowed him to address listeners through a voice changer, protecting the anonymity which had become part of the joke. His first words were a simple “Hello, Scott”.
One last Oh! What’s Occurring
The one that doesn’t speak agreed to play a final edition of Oh! What’s Occurring, the game he had created. Scott played archive performances of him using a swanee whistle, with Chris, Beccy and the producer attempting to identify songs including “Milkshake”. The producer earned his first Danny Howard points on the day he was leaving.
The game then revisited his unexpectedly strong performance at apple bobbing. Four apples had been placed in a bucket and he had removed three with his mouth in one minute, although he could no longer remember his own result and guessed two.
Wing supplied the final message from the other side of the world. She wished him a prosperous future and recorded her own version of Adele’s “Someone Like You” on cassette. The strange but affectionate performance left the departing producer emotional and brought more than a decade of work with Scott to a suitably distinctive end.
The programme also replayed an earlier Wax Distraction appearance in which the one that doesn’t speak answered questions about Brazil while having his leg waxed. He performed well enough to identify Portuguese as the country’s official language and the Amazon as its major river, then reminded Scott that the stunt had left him with one bald leg.
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