Chris’s first holiday romance
In 24 Years at the Tap End, Chris returned to the annual family holiday at a campsite in Brittany. The Starks began in large tents with separate sleeping compartments, although walking to the toilet block during the night annoyed his father enough to buy a chemical camping toilet from a French hypermarket. One sleeping section then became a bathroom while the family squeezed into the remaining space.
At 15, Chris had made English and Dutch friends around the site and met a girl he disguised as “Ethel”. The holiday’s main sporting event was a match between the British visitors and French locals. Chris and his teammates took it seriously after the French boys competed for the attention of the British girls and one called him a small English turnip, an insult translated by his French-teacher mother.
The match was held on Chris’s final day. Singing separate anthems for the English, Welsh and Scottish players delayed kick-off, then a French opponent tackled Chris from behind. Parents became involved and the game was abandoned. Chris accepted the apology but suspected the tackle was designed to stop him performing at karaoke and leave the way clear for the other boy to impress Ethel.
Chris spent the day limping around the site with her. That night, after the Dutch group performed “Hey Baby”, he dedicated Westlife’s “Flying Without Wings” to Ethel. The karaoke operator accidentally started Shaggy’s “Angel”, then corrected the mistake. Chris sang from a chair because of his injury, but tried to stand for the key change, put his weight on the wrong leg and fell forwards while holding the microphone stand.
He completed the song from the floor and returned to his seat, where Ethel held his hand. After their goodbye she ran after him outside the bar and gave him his first proper kiss. The combination of happiness, pain and the knowledge that the holiday was ending made “Flying Without Wings” his lifelong karaoke song.
Michael Bublé’s Christmas formula
Michael Bublé joined the show as the latest adviser on Scott and Chris’s attempt to make the ultimate Christmas record. He agreed that festive songs needed to set the scene, bring families together, place people beside a fire and allow plenty of food and drink. Scott also presented the previous advice about stating the obvious and adding suggestive references such as roasting chestnuts.
Michael admitted that “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” was not a favourite, particularly when it displaced better songs on the radio. He struggled to remember the gifts in “The Twelve Days of Christmas” and did not know “Fairytale of New York” well because it was less prominent in North America. When Scott demonstrated Shane MacGowan’s delivery and asked Michael to imitate it, the result was too smooth.
He ruled out making another festive album. Michael said many artists treated Christmas records as easy commercial products, but he had spent six months on his because Christmas music was the reason he began singing. Bing Crosby was among his earliest musical memories. He wanted to make not merely a Christmas album but the definitive one, giving himself a legacy and a place in family celebrations around the world.
Scott then played Chris’s demo, with its rapid list of turkey crowns, stuffing, pigs in blankets, festive television, snow and elves. Michael enjoyed its variety and the faintly threatening spoken invitation to come inside for eggnog. He told Chris the ingredients would remain recognisably Christmassy and suggested the record might have a chance at number one.
Loving the Trolls takes on Danny Dyer
Lawrence read several messages sent by actor Danny Dyer after an online disagreement with Scott. One asked who Scott was, another called him the person “on the list” and described somebody else as a plum, while a message attached to a topless photograph compared Scott with a boring television policeman. The computer voice again stripped the comments of their aggression.
Other complaints targeted the show itself. One listener said 24 Years at the Tap End made them fall asleep while driving, another ordered Beccy to stop interrupting and somebody asked who Olly Murs was and demanded that he be removed. The team considered a complete Danny Dyer special for the following week, although Beccy questioned whether he deserved the extra attention.
Chris discovers scented candles
Scott was proud that Chris had become more open to moisturiser, blazers and other refinements. His latest gift was a scented candle which Chris initially planned to pass to his mother. He associated candles only with seduction and could not understand why somebody would light one while alone.
Eventually he tidied his room, lit the candle and watched Homeland. To his surprise, the scent made the evening pleasant. Scott offered another candle with a 40-hour burning time and a spare one smelling of French bread, while Beccy wondered why Chris was receiving the entire unwanted collection.
Real or No Real
Half of human DNA really was shared with bananas, even though neither Scott nor Chris could identify which half of themselves looked most similar. Australia did not film its own version of I’m a Celebrity in the West Midlands, but men genuinely tended to say “I love you” first in relationships.
The word bacon really did derive from a Germanic word associated with the back or buttock. More people were not killed while washing up than by sharks, crocodiles and lions combined, and Robert Pattinson had not abandoned acting to sell second-hand CDs at a Norwich market. Creative scorekeeping briefly produced 700 points each before the total was revised to 70.
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