Brian Belo’s sodden trousers
Brian Belo and Gemma Cairney squeezed into a smaller studio with Chris for a three-person Innuendo Bingo. Scott had asked Brian to arrive without fully explaining the game, and his choice of white trousers made him an immediate target. The opening Great British Bake Off instruction called for something at least eight inches long and completely covered in pastry, producing the first large spray before everybody had settled.
Matt Baker asking whether Lucy had caught any crabs, Bargain Hunt guests admiring a ring and a Celebrity MasterChef reference to battered gherkins kept the water moving. Gemma often sprayed before a clip had even reached its suggestive phrase, while Brian became increasingly confused by the studio, the cameras and the requirement to refill his mouth without using his hands.
Further clips discussed vigorous tossing on Woman’s Hour, the need for big knuckles on Grand Designs and a one-metre meat mallet on Bake Off. A Bargain Hunt moustache brush that was actually intended for another form of grooming brought the players close to collapse.
By the final command to bring a pie up for inspection, faces, chairs and clothing were drenched. Brian’s trousers had become see-through and Gemma had abandoned any hope of preserving her outfit. Scott called it the best game yet, while listeners adopted “witness the wetness” as an appropriate summary.
Rachel Stevens sings about vegetables
A listener uncovered recordings of Rachel Stevens singing educational songs designed to encourage children to eat fruit and vegetables. Familiar nursery melodies had been fitted with lyrics about smelling spinach, remembering “fairy pears” and putting sweetcorn into meals.
Scott and Chris found the contrast particularly strange while looking at glamorous photographs from Rachel’s pop career. They nevertheless replayed several examples and decided the discovery was one of the best pieces of material listeners had recently supplied.
Chris pitches two more inventions to Deborah Meaden
Chris telephoned Deborah Meaden twice with new business ideas. The first was a female urinal inspired by long toilet queues at a festival. Deborah initially approved of identifying a problem, but discovered he had neither designed a solution nor asked any women how one might work. She ended the call after one minute and 35 seconds, pointing out that he had found a problem without solving it.
His second proposal was erotic fiction fitted with sound-effect buttons like a children’s book. Deborah had not read Fifty Shades of Grey and did not want to imagine the noises Chris intended to include. “I’m not sure this is the one,” she told him before closing the conversation after one minute and 20 seconds.
Scott thought Chris’s approach was becoming much too familiar. He had opened with “female urinals, talk to me”, repeatedly called her Mrs Meaden and even told the Dragons’ Den investor that he would think through his undeveloped concept and get back to her.
Maximus tackles the James Bond theme
The out-of-tune orchestra saga continued when listener Steve sent a school ensemble’s performance of the James Bond theme. Its trumpet went badly astray at the crescendo, exactly the musical fault Chris found impossible to hear without laughing.
Scott returned Chris to the role of proud parent, this time without Beccy. Their imaginary son Maximus Aurelius took the stage with his tuba while Chris applauded and shouted encouragement. Even as a supposedly devoted father, he was unable to maintain composure through the performance.
Charlie Sloth plays Real or No Real
Charlie Sloth again joined Real or No Real. He and Scott correctly accepted that the US military had published guidance on getting along with the French, while Charlie also knew that the shag was South Carolina’s state dance. The Grand Old Duke of York had not doubled 5,000 soldiers with a wall of mirrors.
Claims about 300 banana-related accidents in Britain and wedding cake originally being thrown at the couple were treated as real. Domestic cats were not the same size as lions merely appearing smaller because they stood farther away. Charlie and Scott finished tied on 40 points.
Dear Scott
The Posh Radio 4 Lady opened Dear Scott with an entrant in the first British Beard and Moustache Championships. The message reminded Scott of attending a moustache contest in disguise with a shop-bought handlebar moustache, which worked until it fell off. Chris then agreed to prove he could grow a proper moustache of his own.
Another listener supplied photographic evidence that Scouting for Girls drummer Pete Ellard had travelled home from a secret gig on the Tube with his bongos. A former Southampton University student said Tim Berners-Lee was a professor there, leaving Chris astonished that he had attended the same university without knowing it. He wanted to invite the inventor of the World Wide Web back for a personal appearance at a student club.
The final message demanded the return of 24 Years at the Tap End. Chris worried that any regression therapist arranged through Scott might plant false memories, but confirmed the feature would return on 24 September, the day Nick Grimshaw began presenting the Radio 1 breakfast show.
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