29 October 2019
29 October 2019
Coldplay inspired an unnecessary newspaper advert
Coldplay had recently announced an album tracklist through local newspaper advertising.
Chris thought the Scott Mills show deserved the same treatment.
He bought space in his local paper, the Southern Daily Echo, and published the afternoon’s running order.
Scott loved the concept.
He was less impressed by how unfinished the show looked in print.
The advert effectively promised:
1pm — radio starts and Tune of the Week from Charli XCX.
1.30pm — TBC.
2pm — Funny Business.
2.30pm — Bangers.
3pm — help someone find a boyfriend before Christmas.
3.30pm — TBC.
4pm — radio ends.
Scott thought two TBCs made a national radio programme look spectacularly under-planned.
The final line sounded as though all broadcasting would cease at four.
Chris remained proud that his hometown newspaper contained the show plan at all.
Could TBC become a real feature?
Listeners offered a solution.
If the printed schedule said TBC at 1.30, simply invent a feature called TBC and pretend the advert had been correct all along.
Scott also suggested TBC sounded like the perfect DJ name.
Club posters everywhere already promised “DJ TBC”.
Somebody adopting it permanently would never struggle for bookings.
Farmer John had Radio 1 for company
The actual 1.30 segment became a surprise birthday call.
A listener called Harriet had emailed about her husband John, a farmer working near Glasgow.
John spent a great deal of time alone on the farm and listened to Scott and Chris every day.
Harriet described the presenters as the radio friends who kept him company while he worked.
John even admitted he sometimes answered them out loud.
Scott and Chris loved that image.
A presenter could make a throwaway comment in London and somebody alone with the cows could reply as though they were all in the same room.
His previous birthday had been overtaken by something bigger
John was 26.
His previous birthday had barely registered because his son Robby had been born around ten days earlier and six weeks prematurely.
The family had understandably been focused on the baby.
This year Harriet wanted John to have something specifically for himself.
Scott and Chris surprised him live on the farm and let him choose the next Radio 1 song.
The call was deliberately uncomplicated.
The show had spent the week manufacturing dating drama.
For ten minutes, it simply made a loyal listener’s birthday better.
Article 69 opened the applications
Then the search for Emily’s Christmas boyfriend properly began.
The programme invited single men to sell themselves in seconds.
Each needed to give one good thing and one bad thing.
Scott and Chris were suspicious whenever the “worst thing” sounded suspiciously harmless.
Singing badly at karaoke.
Snoring.
Biting nails.
Surely everybody had something worse.
Ollie already had a Chris Stark connection
One applicant was Ollie, who lived around Maidenhead.
His sister and her boyfriend had apparently once shared train beers with Chris.
Chris remembered enough of the sort of encounter to believe it.
Ollie said he had once ridden a bull in Australia.
His supposed worst quality was terrible drunk karaoke.
Scott did not believe this could genuinely be the darkest thing in his personality.
Ollie nevertheless made the shortlist.
Jamie arrived with a beard and a rugby bum
Another strong applicant was Jamie.
He described himself as a rugby player with a nice bum and a beard people regularly complimented.
His bad point was snoring.
Again, Scott and Chris thought the negative sounded suspiciously safe.
Jamie also worked with dogs.
That would become important once the production team contacted somebody who knew him.
Tomorrow would bring character references
By the end of Tuesday, Emily had several plausible options.
The applicants had been able to present their own version of themselves.
Scott and Chris wanted something less controlled.
For Wednesday, researchers would find friends and relatives and ask for the truth.
Article 69 had moved from dating application to background check.
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