An unexpected vacancy in the commentary team
Scott was following the World Cup more closely because of the Red Button work and wanted another match after Brazil v Mexico. The immediate problem was that Demian, their psychic from Friday, had pulled out. His prediction of a game-changing moment at 21:10 had been strikingly accurate, so they had planned to use him throughout the second broadcast.
Possible replacements included a mariachi band, a supposedly psychic animal, a completely unrelated radiator salesman called Phil Neville and the “who” goat. Scott tweeted Olly Murs, Deborah Meaden, Liam Payne, Gerard Butler, Britney Spears, Example and Conchita Wurst. Meaden replied by asking what the commentary was alternative to, while Example appeared to tell them not to call because he was watching the game in Hull. Liam was on stage in Copenhagen.
Big Mo was suggested as a half-time DJ, but nobody had secured her services. Chris became increasingly despondent as celebrities ignored them. Scott insisted that the two presenters were enough, although the search continued until the broadcast.
Rhianna Dhillon returns to Bingo
Rhianna Dhillon came back to Innuendo Bingo after helping with the successful toilet rat. The clips began with World Cup commentary from Glenn Hoddle and Phil Neville, then moved through cricket, the Hairy Bikers, Spain v Netherlands, Flog It!, British Airways, a dream-home architect, Channel 5 cricket and The Chase.
Rhianna had forgotten the strange fear of holding water and waiting for the first spray. It returned immediately. She and Chris soaked each other so thoroughly that Chris offered his jumper when her summer outfit became uncomfortable on camera. Scott called it another reliably wet Rhianna game, with the sporting clips particularly well suited to the tournament.
The mystery Brazil shirt
Rhianna’s soaking forced Chris to change early into his Mexico shirt. He had also brought a Brazil top for Scott, only to learn that Scott owned another one. Scott had found it unexpectedly among his washing after making the 5 Seconds of Summer record.
For somebody who had never followed football, the sight of a football shirt drying beside his underwear felt like evidence of a transformed life. Chris was less interested in the symbolism than in why Scott had acquired a different shirt after he had gone out to buy matching commentary kits.
No acceptable route to a beach body
Chris wanted a home-workout video he could follow every day, but rejected instructors who were too irritating, too physically perfect or too unrealistic. Listeners sent older and stranger alternatives. One routine required participants to lunge sideways while laughing. “Prancercise” involved stylised walking with ankle weights, while Dixie Carter’s facial exercise asked viewers to stretch out their tongues and roar like lions.
The routines were memorable but none looked sustainable for two months. Chris wanted a trainer who seemed normal and a body he could plausibly achieve, while Scott enjoyed every video that made the search more uncomfortable.
A commentary scorecard and the loss of HD
Unofficial Mills helped create a Bingo card for viewers of Brazil v Mexico. Squares included Chris saying “of course”, Scott mispronouncing or correctly pronouncing a Brazilian name, references to the tiny television, mentions of Scott’s bottom, worldwide Twitter trends, “Tom Ford” after a goal and the phrase “you join us here”.
Scott then warned that choosing the Red Button audio meant giving up BBC One’s HD picture. Chris was appalled that he had advertised the technical disadvantage hours before transmission, particularly when football viewers took picture quality seriously.
Adele Roberts supplies a Brazil and Mexico round
Adele Roberts played Real or No Real. Brazil defender David Luiz really had been told at 14 that he was too short to become a professional. Mexican McDonald’s did not use double-width doors for customers wearing sombreros.
Oaxaca really does hold a festival celebrating enormous radishes, leading Scott and Chris to plan allotments, bowls and Morris dancing in old age. Sixty per cent of Brazilians had not needed treatment for dance-related injuries. Adele and Scott drew with 20 points each before she promised to listen to the commentary.
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