Scott faces his best-man speech
Scott had reached the week of his former flatmate’s wedding and was beginning to feel the pressure of being best man. He had looked through speech-writing advice, built a proper framework and even planned a video, although obtaining a screen at the venue had already generated a stream of emails with the wedding planners.
Chris’s suggestions included raising a literal slice of toast and introducing comedy props, both of which Scott rejected. The material Scott was willing to test included describing the groom as the younger brother he had never wanted and promising that a review of his achievements would take only 30 seconds. The bride had already texted to say she could not wait for the speech, leaving Scott very aware that the room expected him to be funny because of his job.
Building Deadline Day
The Christmas relationship transfer deadline had acquired a precise time: 3pm on Wednesday 4 December. Anybody still in a relationship then would, under the show’s rules, have to remain with their partner until 3pm on 6 January. Scott stressed that the idea applied only to break-ups people were already contemplating and was not an invitation to end happy relationships.
Chris explained the atmosphere of football’s transfer deadline coverage to Scott. They wanted rumours, reporters, a busy studio and the relationship equivalent of Harry Redknapp speaking through a car window. Suggested correspondents ranged from former X Factor hometown reporters to Gemma Collins, while the show firmly rejected listeners asking about loan deals.
Jeff Brazier signs up
Jeff Brazier was Scott’s ideal kind of reporter: he knew live television, had covered X Factor hometowns and immediately understood the football language. When Scott rang him, Jeff began asking whether anybody might break an embargo or attract interest from another “club”.
He agreed to join the broadcast from 1pm on Wednesday and report from the streets. Scott had initially dreamed of Jeff Stelling, but decided securing a different Jeff was still an excellent result. The team now had a genuine presenter to investigate last-minute break-ups as the window approached.
Mrs X reduces the field
Mrs X had gone on only one Tinder date during the week, although it was already her fourth meeting with that man. More importantly, she had reviewed the six people she was regularly speaking to and reduced the active list to four.
The deadline forced her to ask whether any of them was worth concentrating on over Christmas. One previous favourite would have been an easy choice, but he appeared to have cooled things. Mrs X was therefore considering ending all four current situations rather than sacrificing festive nights out for somebody she only half-liked. Scott asked her to keep thinking and report back before Wednesday.
Chris nearly kisses a mouse
Life in Chris’s new home had taken another strange turn. For a Saturday night in, he had moved his entire mattress into the living room, taken ice cream and crisps with him and started watching Blow. As he drifted off, something moved towards his foot and looked directly at him: a mouse had come startlingly close to his face.
Chris insisted he was not dirty, although the broken window, unsealed gaps, food on the mattress and unanswered messages to his landlord did not help his case. Scott recognised the immediate shame that comes with finding mice, having dealt with an infestation himself, while listeners were almost as interested in Chris treating the living room floor as a bedroom.
A devastating calendar fact
Danny Howard joined Real or No Real. Princess Eugenie being photographed twerking was real, and a survey saying the sock drawer remained a popular place to hide valuables was also real. Home and Away being banned in Sweden for dumbing down the culture was not.
The fact that mattered to Chris was about the Hollyoaks calendar. There would be no babes or hunks edition for 2014 because the cast had grown beyond 50 people and the publicity team said choosing only 12 was impossible. The calendar had been a long-running present from his grandmother, so Chris received the news with genuine confusion and distress.
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