Scott becomes obsessed with “Chavril”
Scott had acquired a new celebrity-couple obsession: Avril Lavigne and Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger. The newlyweds had married in France and Scott had spent far too much of the previous evening reading interviews and looking at their wedding pictures. He could not explain why the pairing fascinated him so much, only that he now wanted a full reality series about “Chavril”.
That prompted listeners to offer the slightly off-radar celebrity couples they had become inexplicably invested in. One caller admitted following Lisa and Ken Vanderpump closely enough to move from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills into the spin-off Vanderpump Rules. Chris looked increasingly lost as Scott and the caller discussed the Vanderpumps and their dog, which only encouraged Scott to suggest that perhaps Chris needed more reality television in his life.
Dev returns to Innuendo Bingo
Early Breakfast’s Dev came in for Innuendo Bingo, slightly delirious from the hours he normally kept and promising not to hold back against Chris. The clips arrived rapidly. Kate Humble introduced the phrase “thick and impenetrable bush”, Andrew Marr’s programme produced a five-hour semi-final, Wimbledon commentary supplied ball bashers and slower balls, and birdwatching webcams led to a line about watching “little tits” getting bigger every day.
Chris discovered that simply hearing the words “Andrew Marr” had become enough to make him lose his water before the relevant clip even played. Dev’s beard acted as a reservoir as the game continued through Coronation Street, cricket, Daybreak, Big Brother, Radio 4 and an Elaine Paige spring-cleaning clip. By the end Scott thought the relentless selection had justified getting Dev out of bed for the afternoon.
How far can an ice-cream answer go?
With the country in a heatwave, the programme began asking people deliberately over-specific summer questions. The premise was simple stupidity: rather than asking for somebody’s favourite ice cream, why not ask for their nineteenth favourite?
One caller turned out to be perfect for it. Chocolate was his first choice, then chocolate with different nuts and fruits, before combinations started multiplying. Scott kept going long after any reasonable person would have stopped. The list reached peanut butter, cherries, whipped cream, almonds and increasingly dubious distinctions between flavours and toppings.
The caller eventually made it all the way to 81. Scott admitted that many of the answers were effectively chocolate or vanilla with another ingredient added, but that barely mattered. What had begun as an intentionally pointless question had found the one person prepared to treat it as a serious survey.
The heat also generated a discussion about the little trays of one- and two-pence coins sometimes found at petrol-station counters, after a listener claimed to have traded 50 Scott Mills points for the 13p he needed to buy an ice lolly. Scott was convinced the loose change existed so customers could cover tiny fuel-payment shortfalls; Chris had assumed those coins were for charity.
Greg’s first present is revealed
The mystery tube Scott had sent to Inverness turned out to contain a large framed photograph of Greg James’s bottom, taken when he had gone naked into the Zambezi. Greg had to hand it to listener Rachel as his thoughtful thank-you present after staying at her home. The joke became even better when a photograph later showed the picture hanging beside the dining table in place of a family portrait.
Greg had survived the night in the supposedly haunted house and was now heading for Aberdeen. Scott had prepared another present for the next host, this time with Chris taking particular pride in what they had chosen. Greg was told only that he had to claim full responsibility and hand it over with confidence.
Charlie Sloth plays Real or No Real
Charlie Sloth joined Scott for a heatwave-heavy Real or No Real. Tanzania really does have a giant millipede commonly nicknamed the wandering leg sausage, while the programme’s claim that Ricky Norwood’s website carried an official reassurance about the EastEnders actor’s BMI was invented.
Britain was not facing an emergency shortage of imported ice cream, despite Scott immediately worrying about what he would do if it were true. The discussion produced a better idea: an app showing the nearest ice-cream van. Scott proposed calling it something like “iScream”, then realised that announcing the concept to the entire audience rather reduced his chances of making any money from it.
The final claim was real: Buckingham Palace had advertised for a general assistant whose duties included washing up. Chris and Charlie finished level on 20 points, after which Charlie headed back towards 1Xtra.
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