Donna faces Loose Lips
The revived Loose Lips tested Donna, a member of staff at the Rose and Crown in Clitheroe who was famous among her colleagues for gossiping. Her friend Michelle told her that Justin Bieber and his monkey would secretly stay at the hotel that evening. His fans supposedly kept discovering every Manchester booking, so management had chosen somewhere they would never think to look. The hotel’s acceptance of pets made it ideal for the monkey, provided Bieber paid the additional £10.
Donna initially told the landlord within seconds, believing he already knew. Scott then called pretending to be Chad Kroeger, a reporter from The Telegraph. He claimed to know about a celebrity arrival and tried to make her confirm the name by coughing when he mentioned Justin Bieber. Donna refused, repeatedly denied knowing anything and ended the call rather than surrender the secret.
Scott immediately revealed the trick. Although Donna had already told somebody inside the hotel, she had resisted sustained pressure from an apparent newspaper reporter and therefore passed. The disappointing news was that Bieber would not actually be arriving. Michelle promised never again to accuse her of being unable to keep a secret, while Donna was less certain she ever wanted to see Michelle again.
A flatmate moves out
Scott’s flatmate of about ten years was moving out with his girlfriend. Scott compared the separation with the end of a marriage and had already weaned himself off his flatmate’s cooking for three months. He now survived on chicken cooked in a seasoning bag, microwave rice and the occasional prospect of salmon in a bag.
The move created immediate chaos when a new sofa intended for the couple’s home was delivered to Scott’s address. He now had two sofas in his lounge and wondered how his former flatmate would cope with bills after a decade in which Scott had dealt with household administration. Chris worried more about losing access to the flatmate’s mashed potato.
Revision by celebrity
Students had begun tweeting essay questions to celebrities as an alternative form of revision. Attempts to ask Ricky Gervais about English, Hugo from Made in Chelsea about logic and Francis Boulle about the business environment of the 1970s and 1980s had produced no answers.
Scott encouraged listeners to choose people with some connection to the subject rather than sending every question to a reality star. Ellie Goulding received a food-technology query about the role of flour in shortbread, while Scott warned anybody asking him about Baroque and classical music that he had no useful answer.
Half Romeo, half Juliet
Chris chose a more public way to support Radio 1’s revision week. He borrowed make-up and clothes, dressed one side of his body as Romeo and the other as Juliet, then travelled to Shakespeare’s Globe to perform both parts of the balcony scene. He did not enter the theatre, but stood outside among tourists, school groups and coffee-drinking arts enthusiasts.
His performance quickly became a lesson in what not to do. A member of the crowd corrected his pronunciation of Montague after he said “Mont-a-goo”. Chris later read the direction “aside” aloud as though it were part of Romeo’s speech and needed another spectator to explain that he was supposed to act it rather than say it.
American tourists politely rated his female side, advised him to use his hips and suggested his male performance needed greater strength. Scott thought the wig resembled one of the small dogs carried in handbags. The video also captured bemused passers-by and an unrelated dog running through the scene.
Chris believed students had at least learned the correct pronunciation of Montague and the purpose of stage directions. Scott directed anybody requiring genuine help to BBC Bitesize and rejected requests for Chris to tackle Macbeth, Keats or A-level chemistry next.
Real or No Real with Huw Stephens
Huw Stephens joined after admitting that a faulty CD player had disrupted his appearance on Nick Grimshaw’s Next Hype. At Disney parks, performers playing Toy Story characters really would sometimes collapse when visitors shouted, “Andy’s coming,” recreating the films. The show warned that publicising the trick might leave the performers repeatedly throwing themselves onto the ground.
Keira Knightley was not following a “Cheese Tuesday” diet before her wedding, and Pete Tong was not broadcasting from the former Royal Yacht Britannia during Radio 1’s Ibiza weekend. Huw recalled being trapped on an unpleasant boat party and Scott remembered being warned not to play the Baywatch theme during one because it might encourage passengers to jump overboard.
Rowan Atkinson really had taken control of a light aircraft after its pilot collapsed. Scott scored 30 points to Huw’s 20, completing a week in which Mr Bean had supplied a different improbable claim almost every day.
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