The nation mourns JLS
Scott arrived saddened by the announcement that JLS would split after one more single, a greatest-hits collection and a farewell tour. Chris found the arrangement confusing. In his view, a proper break-up required the four members to spend time apart, just as former partners would, rather than immediately making another album and travelling around the country together. Once the tour ended, he expected them to shake hands, wish one another well and avoid being seen as a group until the separation no longer felt raw.
They considered the members’ possible futures. Marvin Humes had Rochelle and television, Aston Merrygold had appeared as a judge on Got to Dance, Oritsé Williams was interested in management, and JB Gill was already pursuing an unexpectedly rural life. Scott credited JLS with making British boy bands fashionable again and helping to create the market later occupied by One Direction and Union J. Had he known about the announcement before leaving home, he would have worn an exceptionally low V-neck and attempted a backflip in their honour.
A listener named Mark planned his own Friday tribute, combining bright high-top trainers with the lowest work-appropriate V-neck he could find. Scott then returned to Stupid Street to ask people for their favourite member and song. Answers ranged from “the tall one” to hesitant attempts at “Everybody in Love” and “One Shot”, while one person did not know what JLS was. The interviews eventually dissolved into a rough communal performance of “Beat Again”.
JB Gill goes farming
Scott proved that JB’s new direction was real with clips from Countryfile. The singer introduced his three chickens, discussed plans to acquire a pig and drove a tractor before receiving instruction in moving cattle. Chris admired how relaxed he sounded after the demands of pop stardom.
JB also correctly knew that a pig’s gestation lasts three months, three weeks and three days. Scott imagined him replacing the group’s deep V-necks with farm clothes, although Chris preferred a combination of the two. A solo career in farm music could follow, complete with livestock replacing the rest of the band and a possible move into Mumford & Sons territory.
Are we running out of music?
Chris developed a theory from hearing will.i.am’s “#thatPOWER” alongside “Scream & Shout”: there might be only so many possible combinations of musical notes, and popular music was rapidly exhausting them. Even if an entire record was not repeated, a melody, rhythm or short section increasingly sounded like something already released. JLS may simply have recognised that there was nothing left to write.
Listeners extended the theory to recurring plots in Coronation Street and EastEnders, while a musician said his band had discarded songs after realising they resembled existing records. Chris supplied examples of his own. Tom Odell’s “Hold Me” led him towards The Killers’ “Glamorous Indie Rock & Roll”, Biffy Clyro’s “Biblical” prompted “Baby, if you’ve got to go away”, and Haim’s “Falling” reminded him of the theme from Round the Twist. The Weeknd’s “Wicked Games” somehow became “Big Spender” in his head.
Scott warned that accusing artists of running out of ideas was easy inside the studio but less comfortable when meeting them at a Radio 1 event. Chris nevertheless allowed the station’s Twitter account to publish his stark conclusion: it was becoming impossible to write a new song because every tune had already been used. A high-level meeting and the musical equivalent of a hosepipe ban might soon be needed.
Scott plays Real or No Real
Scott took the contestant’s seat against Chris for a rare chance to play Real or No Real. Hollister stores did not each keep a pet dog hidden by the low lighting, although the question revived complaints about shop queues, overpowering scent and shirtless greeters. Rylan Clark really had emerged naked from a cocktail glass for an art-house photoshoot, a picture much more revealing than either presenter expected.
A woman really did have a sleep-eating disorder which led her to consume as many as 2,500 calories and, on one occasion, emulsion paint, petroleum jelly and washing powder. Scott related this to the night he apparently ate his flatmate’s remaining lasagne, though he could not decide whether he had truly been asleep. JLS fans had not asked the Oxford English Dictionary to rename red, blue, yellow and green after Oritsé, Aston, JB and Marvin. Scott won by 30 points to 20 and decided he should play more often.
Another Plan B
Scott confirmed that Chris would attempt another Your Plan B assignment on Friday. The feature placed him into a listener’s life whenever somebody else became unavailable, following his emergency appearance at a FIFA tournament and his brief replacement of Dev during an Ashley Banjo interview. This time, the request would demand considerably more balance.
—
COMMENTS