Scott meets the voice of Siri
Scott returned after attending a lunchtime radio awards ceremony where Chris Evans again won the main prize. The most memorable part of the event was discovering that the man seated beside him supplied the British male voice of Siri. Scott had spent much of lunch wondering why the voice seemed familiar before finally asking.
He tried to persuade the man to swear in the Siri voice, but the request was refused in case Scott was recording it. Back in the studio, Scott asked his phone whether they had met the previous day. Siri declined to share events from the past, making it sound as if the encounter was already being denied.
Messages flood the Keen Line
The programme’s Keen Line had become so busy that the answerphone repeatedly filled up. Listeners offered puns including McKeen, Roberto Mancini, Milton Keynes, Keenanu Reeves and a keen-age mutant ninja turtle. Some forgot to include any form of the word “keen”, while others panicked halfway through their message but were played anyway.
Bob Jenkins from Wales returned with “keen reality”, earning another place among the favourites. Scott and Chris reminded callers that simply inserting “keen” randomly into a name did not always produce a usable answer, although the failures were often as entertaining as the successful suggestions.
The last 24 Years at the Tap End
Listeners stopped cars, delayed meetings and prepared ladbombs for the final chapter of series two. Scott and Chris revisited favourite characters and stories, including Aileen, Ethel, Millison, Winifred and the sexy ghost. They left open the possibility of an occasional future special, but agreed that the weekly series had reached its natural end after Chris’s extraordinary Mila Kunis week.
For the finale, Chris returned to the school assembly in which open bottles of sunscreen had covered pupils and teachers. He adapted the spoken-word structure of Baz Luhrmann’s “Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen)” into advice drawn from his own life, turning dozens of earlier chapters into lessons for the class of 2013.
He advised listeners not to throw sausages at Germans, put pasta in kettles, turn toasters on their sides, go on first dates to Build-A-Bear or declare novelty pens at customs. Dancing with a girl required hands on the waist rather than the shoulders, Greek toilets could generally cope with paper and anybody parking at a beauty spot should remember to switch off the car lights.
Other advice celebrated the experiences rather than the mistakes. Chris encouraged people to travel, push themselves, talk to somebody when they had the chance and ignore online abuse, or better still, love the trolls. He remembered that he could never have predicted inviting a Hollywood star to Watford or Rita Ora wearing his socks.
The final lesson was to surround yourself with good people. Chris named S-Dosser, Chango the Beast, Dugsie, Webbo, Chazza, Jono, Cantonard, Chinese Dave and the Convict, the friends who had populated both series. He finished by declaring that he had spent 24 years at the Tap End and was the Sun King, before the full theme tune closed the feature.
The mystery of mystery shopping
Scott’s friend had signed up as a mystery shopper after hearing about restaurant meals, clothes and hotel stays. His first assignment was much less glamorous: he had to stand at a cold railway station with a printed timetable and record how many trains were late.
Listeners explained that the work could include car washes, toll roads, pharmacies, pizzas, beer and trips across Europe. New shoppers often had to complete mundane assignments before being trusted with hotels and restaurants. One shop worker admitted hiding in a stockroom on her second shift because she knew a mystery shopper was due and suspected every customer who asked for help.
Scott wanted to send Chris on an assignment as the world’s most obvious mystery shopper, complete with an unnecessary disguise. The idea missed the purpose of measuring normal service, but he argued that staff should at least receive a warning before being judged.
Sara Cox plays a Comic Relief Real or No Real
Sara Cox joined for a Red Nose Day edition of Real or No Real. Claudia Winkleman really did raise £7,000 through a sponsored labour lasting 23 hours in 2003. Sara was astonished that the story was genuine after joking about handstands and Lenny Henry delivering the baby.
Jack Dee really had spent Red Nose Day 2003 standing on a pole outside BBC Television Centre and complaining about the cold. Nick Knowles had not presented the speaking clock live for five hours at a time, and Chris Moyles had not accidentally washed with mayonnaise during his marathon broadcast.
A 2003 Comic Relief celebrity driving school really did end with Gareth Gates, Paul O’Grady, Nadia Sawalha, Natalie Cassidy and Jade Goody failing their tests. Scott finished with 40 points against Sara’s 30, but the sponsored pregnancy remained the fact neither could quite believe.
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