Loving the Trolls
Lawrence’s computerised voice returned to make the show’s online criticism considerably less threatening. One viewer was tired of Chris being known as the student in his pants after the Comic Relief lift stunt, while another objected to the programme’s long-running use of “off of” and blamed it for worsening the nation’s literacy.
Scott was criticised for spending part of a national radio show talking about donkeys, and viewers noticed Chris holding his stomach in while riding the glass lifts in his underwear. Chris saw no problem with breathing in when cameras were pointing at him. The harshest review proposed renaming his autobiography 24 Years of Being Thick, which only made Scott and Chris enjoy the feature more.
The H13 route through Chris’s life
Chris’s latest 24 Years at the Tap End chapter followed the H13 bus, a route connecting many of the places and memories from his childhood. It had taken him to Ruislip Lido for an early date and to hospital after he punched a particularly solid door on a night out. The broken hand meant he had to dictate his forthcoming exams to somebody else while the door escaped without damage.
The route passed the family’s usual birthday restaurant, the duck pond where generations of local children had overfed the birds and a garden once occupied by Murphy, a locally famous donkey. Chris regretted being too young to use Murphy as a cheap date. His plan would have been to hide carrots in his pocket, announce that he was taking somebody somewhere special and reveal the destination only at the last moment.
After a family meal, Chris met 11 friends who had all independently chosen white shirts and jeans. Together they resembled a Westlife tribute act as they moved through Watford and into Oceana. Chango the Beast spent part of the night assisting the toilet attendant with hand-washing slogans, then entered a chicken shop and ordered everything on the menu. The roughly £80 or £90 haul filled two boxes, but was later found untouched on his doorstep by his mother.
Chris faces the BAFTA winners
Scott used photographs from the previous night’s BAFTA ceremony to test Chris’s extraordinary lack of interest in actors. Chris did not recognise Anne Hathaway, then disputed that she had appeared in Les Misérables even though he had seen the film. Only after being reminded that she performed “I Dreamed a Dream” did he understand who she was.
He almost called Ben Affleck “Ben Adams”, had never seen Hugh Jackman and associated Ian McKellen principally with Extras. Kevin Spacey was familiar from a mobile-phone advert but remained nameless, while Sarah Jessica Parker eventually emerged as “Jessica Parker”. Chris argued that awards ceremonies would be far more interesting if actors attended as their characters, giving him a chance of recognising Wolverine rather than Hugh Jackman.
The impossible impartial Brit Awards link
Radio 1 listeners were choosing the British Breakthrough winner at the Brit Awards, leaving Scott under strict instructions not to favour any of the five nominees. Chris monitored his delivery as he read out Alt-J, Ben Howard, Jessie Ware, Jake Bugg and Rita Ora, objecting whenever a name sounded warmer, longer or more enthusiastic than the others. Scott repeated the list in increasingly unnatural voices and refused to reveal his own preference, while Chris tried unsuccessfully to add Sir Dosser as a sixth nominee.
Dan and Phil survey the internet
Dan and Phil arrived exhausted after their Sunday show and the online reaction to Taylor Swift’s Grammy Awards performance. During “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”, she had imitated an English ex-boyfriend saying he still loved her. Dan and Phil interpreted it as a pointed Harry Styles reference and woke to an internet argument already raging.
Their own latest video searched random webcam sites for Valentine’s gestures, including hugs and marriage proposals, while viewers contributed terrible chat-up lines. In the presenter edition of Real or No Real, Dan, Phil and Chris learned that Greg James really had fallen asleep in his car on the Eurotunnel after an early show, delaying the vehicles behind him. Zane Lowe had also injured a rib while becoming overexcited on air. The supposed Sara Cox carvery disappearance, Benji B school governorship and Gemma Cairney cat-bin outfit were all inventions. Chris won with 30 points, ten ahead of both guests.
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