The Radio 1 conveyor belt
On the team’s last day in their old studio, Scott turned the clear-out into a conveyor-belt game. He was reluctant to discard anything after spending his entire Radio 1 career in the building, but hoped listeners might eventually recognise the programme’s former possessions in charity shops.
The first collection included a bottle of Obama-branded eau de toilette which Scott once used as emergency aftershave and immediately regretted, two cans of gold spray paint and an elaborate Tutankhamun headdress. A book about Kenneth Williams sat alongside 110 grams of All-American Rejects honey and an unexplained 750-gram container of table salt. The honey might remain edible indefinitely, although nobody understood why the band had issued it in the first place.
A Superman onesie was rescued when Scott realised it belonged to his flatmate, who had recently asked where it had gone. A souvenir Oscar bought during Scott’s first visit to Hollywood had once been presented to The One That Doesn’t Speak as best producer. Other discoveries included obsolete DAT recording equipment, three Nokia chargers which may have belonged to the old Flirt Divert phone, green chilli left from the world’s hottest chilli challenge, a Madonna “Hard Candy” lollipop and an empty commemorative biscuit tin from William and Catherine’s wedding.
Chris found the missing partner to a boot-style trainer he had been searching for at home. Several copies of a nude magazine were harder to explain, with Scott pointing out that Grimmy shared his desk. The objects captured years of abandoned promotional gifts, forgotten features and changing technology, all of which had accumulated under the team without anybody noticing.
Nick Bright plays Innuendo Bingo
Nick Bright rushed from a Chinese restaurant to face Chris in Innuendo Bingo. He remembered Chris soaking his shorts during their Olympics-themed game and had brought no replacement clothes this time. Once finished, he would have to cross to the new building looking as if he had wet himself, potentially giving its strict security staff another reason to report him for failing to display his pass.
Sara Cox opened the game with Steve Wright discussing the wonderful thing about Prince. Sarah Beeny praised renovators for improving their downstairs and “bruising up their frontage”, while Jamie Oliver instructed viewers to whip something up and toss it with one hand. Heston Blumenthal announced that his nuts were loaded and ready to go, giving Nick an early direct hit on Chris.
Ken Bruce read a dedication to a couple who met at brass-band rehearsal, adding a comment about dripping spit from a trumpet. Jeremy Vine’s introduction of Randy Newman caused Chris to lose control before the supposed innuendo even arrived. Every attempt to restart ended at the singer’s first name, eventually breaking Nick as well.
Heston returned with balls hard-boiled for four days and rubbed between his palms until they formed perfect spheres. An early episode of Midsomer Murders asked what somebody would say if a witness had seen him entering a woman’s front door shortly after four. Nick survived without a change of clothes, while Chris accepted that his own attack over the dark jeans had invited retaliation.
Dear Scott
The Posh Radio 4 Lady read a message from Jack, a Portsmouth listener temporarily living in Australia who wanted to hear his name on the podcast. Another listener thanked Scott for discussing mystery shopping years earlier, because investigating shops anonymously had since become his full-time job. Chris imagined carrying a clipboard to make staff nervous, missing the point that successful mystery shoppers were not supposed to reveal themselves.
A traveller heading to Borneo offered to visit Beccy’s sponsored orangutan. Beccy confirmed its name was Wenda, although the others enjoyed picturing one highly sponsored animal living in luxury from payments made by many different supporters. Emma from North Wales proposed marriage to Chris through the programme, but provided too little information for his usual immediate Facebook investigation.
Scott advised against public marriage proposals during nightclub appearances. Men regularly asked him to stop the music while they proposed on the dance floor, but he refused because a rejection would ruin everybody’s night and an impulsive decision made after several drinks might look different the next morning. The final email described restaurant toilets labelled “sausage” and “eggs”, continuing the team’s collection of unnecessarily confusing bathroom signs.
Real or No Real
Yawning really could spread from a dog to a human, just as it did between people. Square watermelons were genuinely available in Japan, leading Scott to remember the extraordinary range of products sold by Japanese vending machines. Albert Einstein had not been an enthusiastic bodybuilder.
Anatidaephobia really was described as the fear that a duck somewhere in the world was watching, which fitted Chris and Beccy’s suspicion that pigeons and urban foxes were secretly plotting. A potato was not a very large bean. Chris recorded his answers on a plastic cup because most of the studio’s paper had already moved and finished with 40 points.
The man candle
An email from Jason defended men who secretly enjoyed scented candles but felt embarrassed by the way partners reacted. He proposed “mandles”, masculine candles recreating the smells of football pitches, sawdust and beer, potentially in collaboration with a deodorant brand.
Chris had felt uncomfortable after lighting a scented candle Scott gave him and lying alone in his bedroom, as though another part of the evening ought to follow. A “mandle” seemed more natural, and he immediately added the idea to his list of future pitches for Deborah Meaden.
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