Chris meets Katy Perry at the Tap End
Chris dedicated his latest 24 Years at the Tap End to Scott because relatively few stories had explored their early celebrity encounters together. By his 21st year, working around Radio 1 had allowed him to exchange cheek kisses with performers including Pixie Lott, Nicole Scherzinger, Cheryl Cole, Billie Piper, Nicki Minaj, Lana Del Rey, Tulisa and Rihanna. He treated each one as a meaningful achievement, even if Scott insisted that touching cheeks did not mean he had “had” every celebrity on the list.
One memorable evening began when Scott left a pub to meet David Hasselhoff at a London hotel and allowed Chris to accompany him. Chris had regularly stripped to the Baywatch theme at university and regarded the Hoff as a hero, although their only real conversation concerned the contents of a cheese ploughman’s lunch. A waiter then delivered Scott a room number before a male guest invited him to join a couple upstairs. Scott declined despite Chris’s encouragement, while Chris maintained that the note had landed between them and might conceivably have been intended for him.
His favourite night came at a charity concert in Union Chapel. The bill included Sam Beeton, James Morrison and Katy Perry, who had released “I Kissed a Girl” but had not yet become a global star. Chris first bottled an attempt to introduce himself, then eventually shook Katy’s hand. She immediately spoke with striking honesty about being in a bad mood because of the time of the month.
Chris worried that Katy might think he and Scott were a couple, so deliberately changed from wine to beer to demonstrate that he was “a lad”. He watched her performance from the side of the stage and convinced himself that she repeatedly looked towards him. A photograph taken that evening showed Katy embracing him while his hand appeared perilously close to her chest. Chris saw the picture as evidence they looked like a couple, while Scott and Beccy thought Katy was simply performing the standard celebrity “grab and grin”.
When Scott and The One That Doesn’t Speak left Chris alone with her, messages from his friends persuaded him to invite Katy on a night out in Watford. She said she would love to join them and kissed him on the cheek, but Chris failed to ask for a telephone number and merely told her to get in touch. She never did. Years later, he wondered whether “Waking Up in Vegas” had originally been “Waking Up in Watford” or whether “Thinking of You” concerned him. The others considered both theories extremely unlikely, but his invitation remained open.
will.i.am explores the new BBC
will.i.am arrived fascinated by Radio 1’s new home and wanted a complete tour of the technology, writing rooms, news areas and communal presentation space. He could imagine working there and asked whether the BBC had its own equivalent of Mickey Mouse roaming the building for photographs. Scott suggested Pudsey Bear was the closest official answer, although he personally fulfilled some of the same duties for visitors.
The old Television Centre held memories of Black Eyed Peas interviews, Top of the Pops performances and filming the first series of The Voice. will.i.am joked that he had once hoped to become romantically involved in one of its dressing rooms, making the forthcoming closing party sound particularly appealing. When Scott asked about reports that Cheryl Cole would return to The X Factor, will.i.am claimed to know no more than the newspapers and attempted to refer the question to somebody behind the studio’s soundproof window.
His outfit was completed by an iPhone camera attachment hanging around his neck. The device added a lens, flash and keyboard while recreating the appearance of an old-fashioned camera. It was currently his favourite gadget, although his house contained appliances configured to communicate with one another. He imagined his refrigerator warning his car that the household needed almond milk as he passed a supermarket.
Scott hoped to steal a technological idea for another Deborah Meaden pitch, but will.i.am immediately identified the attempted robbery. In the bedroom, however, he preferred to keep matters traditional rather than introduce similar gadgets. A conversation about whether Superman’s cape enabled flight led him to search for the answer on the camera device while the interview continued.
Britney Spears and Scream & Shout
will.i.am explained that he had first worked with Britney Spears on material for her Femme Fatale album. The experience went well, so he invited her onto his solo project and sent “Scream & Shout” after writing it. Scott asked why Britney used an English accent for part of the record, but will.i.am joked about slipping a particular word onto the radio rather than offering a clear explanation.
The single had reached number one on iTunes before the television exposure from The X Factor pushed another release above it. will.i.am was also preparing to return to Manchester for the next series of The Voice, with the new neck-mounted camera ready for live tweeting.
The Perfect Christmas Single premieres
Scott unveiled the result of the team’s attempt to manufacture a perennial festive song. Frisky and Mannish had analysed successful Christmas records and included every required element: an announcement that Christmas had arrived, sadness, fun, bells, innuendo and a political message. The title worked twice because it was both intended as the perfect festive release and told the story of somebody facing Christmas without a partner.
“The Perfect Christmas Single” encouraged its central character to ignore the silent night, switch on the lights and enjoy being alone. Familiar references to Santa, reindeer, cold weather and Christmas trees led to the invented description “frankincensational”. Scott released it under the deliberately cumbersome name Danny Howard and His Pigs in Blankets, continuing the programme’s insistence that he was actually Danny Howard.
will.i.am called the record “pretty fresh”, although he had waited for the chorus to move into a strip-club instruction involving putting money in a stack. He compared part of it with Frankie Goes to Hollywood and offered no promise that the Black Eyed Peas would record a new version. Scott presented him with a “frankincensational” T-shirt, then discovered that nobody in the room could confidently explain what frankincense looked like or how it was used.
Real or No Real
Dolphins really had been seen entertaining themselves by making underwater bubble rings. Brazil nuts did not have to visit Brazil for a blessing before they could legally use the name, and the wheelbarrow had not been invented by Derek Dustbin after somebody else took his preferred name.
Norwegian workers really did pay only half their usual tax in November, leaving more money available for Christmas. Sea otters also held hands while sleeping to avoid drifting apart. The claim that Little Mix had an unusually small average head circumference of 13 inches was false. Beccy won with 40 points, ahead of Scott on 20.
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