The Perfect Christmas Single wins over the Review Show
Scott had been nervous about hearing The Perfect Christmas Single assessed on Edith Bowman’s Review Show. The programme had deliberately combined advice from festive experts with jingle bells, a sad story, an uplifting message, innuendo, politics and the repeated observation that it was Christmas. Its creators wanted an enduring seasonal record rather than a disposable novelty, making the critics’ response feel unusually important.
Amelia Lily called the song “epic”, praised its old-school key change and said it put her in the Christmas spirit. Scott was relieved that she remained generous only two weeks after he had spat water at her during Innuendo Bingo. The other panellist compared the record to a reunion by S Club Juniors, which the team also accepted as a compliment.
Listeners were even more enthusiastic. Messages described the record as worryingly catchy, genuinely good and capable of producing goosebumps. Public voting then made it the programme’s most-loved track of the week, forcing a disappointed Edith to announce the result after neither panellist had predicted it. Scott encouraged everybody to download the song for free and learn it thoroughly enough that it would remain in their heads throughout Christmas.
JLS return with Hold Me Down
JLS returned after a period in which Scott felt he had once seen them more often than his own family. Their arrival normally involved an extended round of hugs and kisses, although Scott initially received only one because he was standing too far away. The group were preparing to exchange Secret Santa presents on their final working day together, with JB already confident that he had chosen something impressive and the others at varying stages of preparation.
Their new single “Hold Me Down” had been produced by Rodney Jerkins. Oritsé Williams was such a fan that he repeatedly tried to imitate the producer’s familiar “Darkchild” introduction while the finished track played in the studio. Jerkins ignored the first two attempts before finally looking at him as if he had lost his mind, leaving the rest of the group delighted by Oritsé’s failed effort to impress one of his musical heroes.
Christmas plans revolved around a party at JB’s home in the country. He already had a chicken, an orchard, stables and a tractor, and now wanted three pigs. Scott found a potential seller while the interview was still under way. The scale of the property encouraged talk of broadcasting a future live lounge from JB’s farm, although his more immediate concern was persuading his bandmates to attend the party rather than competing events in central London.
Chris takes the Tap End to Ireland
In 24 Years at the Tap End, Chris remembered celebrating his 21st birthday before travelling with colleagues from Glen Bar in Southampton to another Glen Bar in County Donegal. The group began in Dublin, where Chris drank stout and accidentally kicked somebody while attempting Irish dancing. A long coach journey then brought them to a large rented house overlooking the countryside and sea, although pausing to admire the view meant Chris lost the best bedrooms and had to sleep in the living room.
The Donegal pub was initially quiet and its regulars appeared unsure what to make of a large group arriving in matching Irish-themed work shirts. Beccy altered Chris’s script during the show by adding a naked Shane Richie to the doorway, a detail he read without noticing until everybody interrupted. Shane had not really been there, but the invented image followed the team through the rest of the story.
A band playing traditional and familiar songs eventually drew visitors and locals together. When the singer offered Chris the guitar, he wanted to choose an Irish party song everybody would recognise. He began the Proclaimers’ “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)” before a friend whispered that it was Scottish. Already committed, Chris continued through the chorus and completed one of his more awkward performances. The mistake did not spoil a night which he remembered warmly, especially because he now saw some of those university friends much less often.
Frisky and Mannish invite Chris on stage
Frisky and Mannish left Chris a voicemail after hearing him tell Sheridan Smith that he wanted to become a West End performer. They invited him to sing The Perfect Christmas Single during their show at KOKO in Camden that Friday, but warned him to rehearse, warm up and drink only water. Chris’s previous stage experience had largely involved eating chicken nuggets and being sick, so a live vocal performance at a major London venue felt like an enormous step.
Scott and Beccy were both away that night, meaning Chris also had to find performers for their parts. He accepted the challenge but wondered whether a smaller debut might have been wiser. The invitation nevertheless turned the programme’s studio project into a genuine live engagement, with Chris planning to bring his old friends along and find substitutes before the end of the week.
Real or No Real
Mobile-phone use had not made a person’s texting thumb 74% stronger than the other one, despite Chris and Beccy comparing their hands for evidence. About 40,000 Americans really did suffer toilet-related injuries each year, prompting Beccy and Scott to discover that both had previously dislodged toilet seats while Chris had somehow avoided the experience.
Garden gnomes had not all been modelled on Noel Edmonds, and Watford supporters did not collectively eat enough pies each year to fill an Olympic swimming pool. Chris used the presenter’s lack of toilet accidents as evidence against the second claim, reasoning that such an enormous pie intake would have produced much more destructive results.
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