A political edition of 24 Years at the Tap End
Chris took 24 Years at the Tap End back to his final school trip, when his A-level politics class travelled to the Houses of Parliament. He had enjoyed politics at school and was not ruling out becoming prime minister, although his grasp of the subject had already produced one spectacular setback. During a school lecture, he had mistaken George Galloway for BNP leader Nick Griffin and challenged him about policies almost entirely opposed to Galloway’s own. The exchange ended with the politician calling Chris an “ignorant pig”. Chris later accepted the description had been technically fair, but initially saw the argument as evidence that he had a future in politics.
The sixth formers were trusted to make their own way into London and meet their teacher, Mr G W Anker, outside Parliament. After clearing security, they toured the building, watched MPs shouting at one another and resisted the temptation to interfere with a television news report being filmed nearby. The day remained unusually sensible until the group received an hour and a half for lunch.
Chris and several friends went to a pub, where one of the boys recognised a group of girls who had been visiting Downing Street. Two of the girls immediately caught their attention. Chris and his friend abandoned their plans to eat and instead spent their limited money buying drinks, convinced the meeting was becoming what Chris repeatedly described as a “feeding frenzy”. The other boys eventually returned to Parliament, leaving the pair to pursue the possibility of getting telephone numbers.
Things appeared to be going well until Chris and his friend went to the toilet together. When they came back upstairs, the girls and their belongings had vanished. Chris realised they had accepted the drinks and escaped at the first opportunity. With no food inside them and time running out, the boys sprinted back to Parliament and slipped into the afternoon session without an immediate reprimand.
Twenty minutes later, the combination of alcohol, an empty stomach, the run and the heat of the viewing gallery overwhelmed Chris. He tried to cover his mouth but threw up across its window, causing guards to move people below and visitors to clear the area. His humiliation became complete when he spotted the two girls sitting beside classmates who had returned from the pub earlier. Chris waved; they did not wave back. He concluded that the experience had destroyed any remaining chance of becoming prime minister and supplied three lessons: eat lunch, never leave girls alone with the opportunity to escape and do not cover your mouth if you are about to be sick, especially in Parliament.
Scott joins One Direction on stage
Scott had presented Best British Single at the Radio 1 Teen Awards with EastEnders actors Jacqueline Jossa and David Witts, whom he knew chiefly as Lauren and Joey. One Direction collected the prize, their second of three awards that day, and Scott handed the trophy to Harry Styles before hugging the rest of the band.
He then forgot that presenters were supposed to retreat while the winners made their speech. Jacqueline and David stepped backwards, but Scott remained in line with One Direction for around 30 seconds as though he were another member. Overwhelmed by the lights, heat and screaming Wembley audience, he had simply not known where to stand. He apologised to fans for placing himself in the middle of the band’s winning moment.
Backstage, Scott had watched Niall Horan and Zayn Malik entertain themselves by throwing a small foam ball between them while waiting to perform. Zayn had also co-hosted two hours of Radio 1 with Scott the previous day and appeared unusually nervous without the other four members talking over him. During their show, Zayn discussed visiting Justin Bieber’s house, breaking his ankle on Bieber’s skate ramp and later eating buckets of fried chicken with him in London. He also played Innuendo Bingo against Dave Pearce and showed no restraint with the water.
Darcey Bussell says “yeah”
Scott had become a reluctant convert to Strictly Come Dancing, but neither he nor Chris initially understood why judge Darcey Bussell was famous. Chris somehow associated her with The Vicar of Dibley, while her old-fashioned-sounding name led Scott to imagine somebody much older. Listeners quickly corrected them: Bussell was a leading ballerina and former principal dancer with the Royal Ballet.
The programme had noticed that Bussell ended much of her judging advice with “yeah”. A montage from the weekend’s shows produced 15 examples as she discussed posture, balance, heels, core strength and creating an illusion. Once identified, Scott warned that the verbal habit would be impossible for viewers to miss in future.
The unofficial Skyfall campaign continues
Chris’s homemade “Skyfall” theme had beaten Adele, Dev and Scott and Beccy in the programme’s listener vote. The team replayed all four songs and directed listeners towards the accompanying unofficial Bond trailer, starring Scott as 007 and Chris in several villainous roles. It had been filmed around Radio 1’s corridors and included a fight with a man in a sombrero, during which their staged combat became forceful enough to leave Scott bruised.
The video also prompted complaints that Scott’s Bond performance was difficult to imagine until seen. Scott insisted the black-and-white running, action scenes and self-performed stunts demonstrated why he could take over from Daniel Craig. The team contrasted its modest viewing figures with the millions watching Adele’s official video, while continuing to treat the two releases as serious rivals.
Radiohead in the family
Show introducer Heather said her grandfather had effectively invented Radiohead. He had been head of music at Abingdon School while the band’s members were pupils, taught them their instruments and encouraged them to play together. Her father and uncles had attended the school at the same time and remained friends with the group.
Heather had met Radiohead through family connections, although the band had never performed at one of her birthday parties. This prompted a discussion about the ideal band to have as family friends. Coldplay appeared the safest choice because they could provide appropriate music for christenings, weddings, funerals and Christmas, whereas Green Day, Muse and Rizzle Kicks were judged less versatile at formal family occasions.
Real or No Real
The first claim, that an inhaled pea could sprout inside somebody’s lung, was real and came with a warning not to test it. Panpipes were not invented by Scottish wind blowing through a gardener’s hollow wooden fence.
Voldemort’s middle name genuinely became Elvis in the French translation of Harry Potter, while bulls did not perform backflips as part of a mating display. The final real fact said shoppers in China were allowed to enter IKEA simply to relax and sleep in the display beds. The round ended in a shared score of 20 points.
—
COMMENTS