The Tap End theme loses Chris
The response to the new Tap End series was strong, but listeners thought the theme tune might improve without Chris singing its chorus. He accepted that he was not a singer and rebuilt the track with a female voice, aiming for the early-2000s sound of Dido and Eminem.
Scott thought removing Chris had helped considerably, although he wondered whether the next step should be taking him off the verses as well. The discussion drifted into the whereabouts of Dido before the revised chorus became the programme’s preferred version.
Phil Taggart plays Innuendo Bingo
Phil Taggart joined Chris for his first Innuendo Bingo, arriving highly excitable and immediately drawing attention to Chris’s revealing red trousers. Formula 1 commentary described somebody limbering up “like he was a penis getting ready to perform”, causing an instant spray.
Coronation Street supplied a story about sleeping with Mandy while the back door was open and a squirrel came in. The Archers celebrated somebody’s arrival, while Gardeners’ World admired something beautifully erect with a purple tinge. Annika Rice discussed enormous panniers, and a Five Live reporter again felt as though he had been asked to put a finger in a dyke.
The final run included a fishing presenter amazed by the size of a man’s tackle and Julie Goodyear admiring Harvey’s ring on Celebrity Big Brother. Phil’s habit of laughing before the important line made him an especially wet player, and the desk and soft seating took a substantial share of the water.
Timmy Trendy’s backstage massage
Show introducer Alice explained how she came to receive a massage from Timmy Trendy while wearing a bald cap. She had been a dancer in an Aladdin pantomime in which Timmy played Wishy-Washy, and the cap was part of the preparation for a wig.
Ten minutes before a performance, Timmy appeared behind her and began massaging her shoulders in a fatherly way. Rather than relaxing her, the unexpected attention made her tense. The curtain soon rose and both returned to their roles, but they had not remained in contact.
Scott had recently seen Timmy in Costco and regretted not knowing the story then. He proposed that everybody who met the television presenter should now request a shoulder massage.
Are British accents irresistible in America?
Listeners working or travelling in the United States had claimed British accents attracted attention and could even soften the delivery of bad news. Scott sent Chris to telephone American businesses and test the theory without the advantage of being seen.
His first restaurant call went reasonably well while he discussed spaghetti, but fell apart when he abruptly asked the male employee whether he found him attractive. Scott decided Chris’s normal Watford voice was not the accent Americans expected and instructed him to sound more like Hugh Grant.
The next woman hung up after Chris announced that he was calling during afternoon tea and eating a scone. On the third attempt, he discussed Earl Grey, spotted dick and cricket on the green before again asking whether the person found him attractive. She replied that she was “past” British accents and preferred French, prompting Chris to switch to an unconvincing “bonjour”. The experiment gave him no immediate reason to book a flight.
Stupid Street chooses a bath companion
After a survey named Zayn Malik as Britain’s preferred celebrity bath companion, Huw Stephens and Chris tried to predict Stupid Street’s choices. Huw selected Cheryl Cole and Beyoncé, while Chris chose Jessie J and the Queen.
The actual answers were Johnny Depp, Sophia Bush, one man’s girlfriend, another man’s mother and simply “anyone clean”. A respondent who selected his mother appeared to confuse sharing a bath with choosing an afterlife companion. Neither Huw nor Chris scored.
Real or No Real
Kissing really was described as more hygienic than shaking hands, prompting the suggestion that people should greet strangers with a kiss instead. A mineral with a surprisingly suggestive name also genuinely existed.
Dr Christian Jessen had not required counselling for an addiction to Greggs sausage rolls. Sellers in New York did have to disclose when a property was believed to be haunted, while listening to One Direction did not increase milk production in women. Scott beat Chris by 40 points to 20.
Giant bags and narrow aisles
Scott had bought inexpensive trainers from a crowded sports shop after forgetting his gym shoes. He struggled to say that its aisles were narrow, repeatedly producing “the arrows are really Nile”, before praising the store’s giant branded mugs and large umbrellas.
At the till, an assistant repeatedly encouraged him to take a giant carrier bag even though he had a rucksack. Scott declined for several minutes and wondered whether staff had been instructed to clear a surplus of enormous bags.
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