A weekend of celebrity reality television
Scott emerged from a weekend of Splash!, The Jump and Celebrity Big Brother convinced that broadcasters would commission almost any celebrity competition. He was careful not to say ski jumping looked easy after an earlier comment about horse riding resulted in him being sent to try it. On television, however, the final jump had resembled falling from a kerb after nearly an hour of preparation.
Lee Ryan had become the central figure in Celebrity Big Brother. His conversations with Jasmine Waltz and Casey Batchelor produced a relationship triangle in which he repeatedly insisted that his friendship with Casey had been misunderstood. Scott and Chris thought he was being foolish rather than malicious, and praised the programme for building an entire dramatic episode around him. The swelling emotional music even resembled the literal soundtrack choices celebrated in their Homes Under the Hammer Game.
Lee’s eviction made him a potential Innuendo Bingo guest, although Grimmy was already sending him late-night texts and might secure the first post-house interview. Scott decided the moment was ideal for pitching new formats to agents.
Celebrity Zoo
Using an invented production-company name and a more formal voice, Scott called an agency representing reality stars. Celebrity Zoo would place famous people in a purpose-built London Zoo enclosure for a week or two, filmed continuously in the style of Big Brother.
Each contestant would select an animal and live exactly as it did. A monkey would eat, sleep, communicate and clean like a monkey; a giraffe would follow giraffe behaviour. Scott said mating might also be required and offered Winterwatch presenter Michaela Strachan as the proposed host. He thought members of the Made in Chelsea cast, including Millie Mackintosh and Spencer Matthews, were particularly suitable.
The agent did not hang up. She asked for written information and promised to pass the proposal to management. Scott interpreted that as a yes, even though she had carefully avoided consenting on anybody’s behalf.
Celebrity Spit Roast Live
Chris made a second call in the voice listeners associated with Fernando and the masked “living doll” Sophie. His programme, Celebrity Spit Roast Live, would celebrate National Pork Week by rotating eight celebrities slowly above a fire. The last participant able to stand the heat would become King or Queen Pig.
He wanted Charlie Sloth to host rather than be placed on the spit, although the agent initially misunderstood. She politely agreed to discuss the proposal while warning that Charlie’s diary was busy. Scott and Chris decided ridiculous television already existed in such quantity that neither agency could confidently dismiss their ideas as fake.
Shown Ups and Family Fortunes
Radio 1’s Shown Ups campaign invited evidence of parents, grandparents, teachers and bosses trying too hard to appear young. Early examples included adults shouting “YOLO”, confused references to “Insta-snappy” and relatives attempting to twerk. Scott recalled his father believing that joining every word of a text together reduced its price. Listeners were asked to post photographs and videos with the campaign hashtag for a final compilation.
Scott then saw a trailer for his family’s appearance on All Star Family Fortunes. He had filmed against Janine Duvitski and was nervous about watching himself introduce his father, stepmother, sister-in-law and former flatmate to Vernon Kay. The ex-flatmate was allowed because each team could include a friend, but Scott did not remember anybody checking the others were genuinely related.
That led to contestants on talent shows whose famous family connection dominated their introduction. Danny Jones’s sister had auditioned for The Voice, saying that after a decade attending McFly concerts it was his turn to support her. Another singer introduced Adele as her cousin while Adele’s music played beneath the film. Scott wondered how closely researchers verified the claim, then admitted that he would describe himself as Emma Bunton’s cousin’s cousin if it helped his own audition.
Repeated headlines and Real or No Real
Daft Punk’s Grammy success produced the headline “Daft Punk Get Lucky” across several outlets. The repetition reminded Scott of American reports announcing that “Hell has frozen over” when the town of Hell, Michigan, experienced severe weather. Every newsroom appeared to believe it had independently discovered the same joke.
Greg James played Real or No Real. The Vamps had not finished third in a 2011 Sutton Coldfield school battle of the bands. The Welwyn Hatfield Times really had published “Village hall cooker to be cleaned more often”, based on councillors agreeing that a cleaner should attend to a gas hob between annual services.
Engelbert Humperdinck genuinely recorded with Gene Simmons and declared that “the Hump rocks”. Madonna had not recently undergone a hip replacement; the cane used during her Grammy performance was part of the staging. Scott and Greg drew 30–30 before attention returned to the more immediate task of persuading Lee Ryan to get wet.
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