Preparing for Sunday Brunch
Scott expected to appear on Sunday Brunch with Little Mix and worried that he might be required to cook. On his previous visit he had only chopped onions, but a recent guest’s refusal to cut leeks suggested that participants could set limits. Chris advised him to arrive with every vegetable already prepared in a supermarket bag, or even bring the completed dish and place it in the oven as if he had made it live.
The likely recipe was pulled-pork hash, requiring leftovers, squash, potatoes, onion, garlic and carrots. Scott liked cookery television but felt celebrities became visibly uncomfortable when asked to do real work. He and Chris also decided that programmes such as Saturday Kitchen had become the new Saturday-morning entertainment, complete with wine experts in place of cartoons, though neither could imagine it breaking for Power Rangers.
Nick Bright steps into Innuendo Bingo
Sarah-Jane Crawford became unavailable at the last moment, so 1Xtra’s Nick Bright left daytime television and stepped in for his third Innuendo Bingo. The game aired on both stations as he sat opposite Chris and promised not to use his hands.
Snooker commentary asked whether a player would kiss the pink, Escape to the Country shook a tree until the nuts came and Antiques Road Trip sought a 1960s Murano glass pussy. The Today programme described the prime minister with his jacket off, while Richard Arnold said a weather presenter had covered her lettuce with fleece. Nick initially stayed relatively dry, prompting Scott to request more commitment and eye contact.
James May found a warm place to put his finger, Ken Brown’s golf balls returned, and Loose Women supplied hair which needed to be “boofed” extensively. Stephen Mulhern offered a beatboxer a little bit of himself before Homes Under the Hammer concluded that the front bit was good but the back bit bad. The Cube measured the gap between balls and a hole, then Weekend Wogan finished with Terry planning to clear his back passage and add flowers.
Nick’s lower half absorbed most of the water and he considered presenting the rest of his 1Xtra show without trousers. Scott thanked him for answering the emergency call, while new viewers revising, printing dissertations and sitting among lambs reported that watching the game was considerably better than hearing it alone.
Demi Lovato calls from New York
Demi Lovato spoke to Scott from a New York photoshoot whose purpose she refused to reveal. She confirmed her return to the American X Factor and explained that she and Simon Cowell got on away from the cameras, despite competing fiercely over their contestants during the show. Simon had been harsh about her acts, so she had responded in kind, but she considered him a cool person when the rivalry stopped.
Her album Demi was due on 14 May. She believed it contained her strongest songs and discussed personal experiences more openly than her previous records. Asked about recovery and rehab, Demi said honesty had enabled listeners to tell her that she had helped them or their relatives through self-harm, bullying, eating disorders and other difficulties. Their acceptance made the decision to speak worthwhile, and she described her supporters as the greatest fans in the world.
Scott invited her to Radio 1 on her next British visit. Demi said she had recently been in the country without him knowing but expected to return in May and promised to visit. Chris, already a devoted fan from her Disney years, Camp Rock, music and X Factor, predicted Scott would become equally obsessed after meeting her.
Names and explanations in the phone book
Scott saved famous contacts under their ordinary names, protected only by his phone passcode. Psy had just been added alongside an old PE teacher and Patsy from Craig David’s team. Chris preferred to append a practical explanation: a colleague became “Mel – can do lift”, while another contact was identified through a condom company and a tradesman remained “Chris cabinet”. People met on nights out might be recorded with the club name instead of a surname.
Listeners supplied Tracy Cool Bag, Tom Hot, KFC John, Magaluf Boobs, Bob Screwdriver and Fish Pie Soup. Several no longer remembered the story behind the label. Scott saw the beginning of a new feature in calling these mysterious contacts and asking them to reconstruct the meeting which had earned their unusual place in somebody’s phone.
Commando and forthcoming Psy
Scott proudly announced that he had watched the Arnold Schwarzenegger film Commando, although he repeatedly called it “Come On Though”. The kidnapped daughter looked to him like Diana Vickers before One Direction, a description Chris eventually decoded as a young Alyssa Milano. Scott knew her mainly because she had tweeted “Never change” after the Mila Kunis interview.
He was due to speak to Psy that evening. “Gentleman” had reached 100 million YouTube views within days, while “Gangnam Style” had passed 1.5 billion. Psy’s number sat in Scott’s contacts as “Psy Gangnam”, and the interview would air the following day.
Charlie Sloth arrives during Real or No Real
Charlie Sloth began Real or No Real by phone after stopping for food, then continued while walking through Broadcasting House. He repeatedly became stuck in the revolving doors, which appeared to detect him as two people, and reception staff directed him towards a side entrance. Scott and Chris watched for his arrival in the glass lift while starting the questions without him.
Jared Leto really did hold a record score for Sonic the Hedgehog 2. British men’s fingernails were not four millimetres shorter during World Cup years. Napalm Death’s “You Suffer” really was recognised as an extraordinarily short song at around 1.3 seconds, consisting only of the words “You suffer, but why?” Philip Schofield had not hired the builders of The Cube to construct a matching conservatory.
Chris won 30–20. Scott awarded Charlie hypothetical bonus points for the journey and joked that, if the revolving-door sensors were correct and he counted as two contestants, his score should become 40 and give him victory.
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