Scott survives the Brit Awards
Scott arrived after the Brit Awards feeling fresh, awake and openly smug. He had limited himself to one drink and contrasted his condition with members of the Radio 1 breakfast team, who looked to him like extras from Saw III. Greg James had been due to play Innuendo Bingo, but his own post-Brits condition forced a change.
Rhianna Dhillon stepped in at short notice. She had recently interviewed Matthew Goode, who recognised her because of her appearances on the feature. Rhianna had been so surprised that she struggled through the rest of the interview, and now wanted to invite the actor into the studio for a future game.
Rhianna Dhillon plays Innuendo Bingo
The game began with admiration for a beautiful slit on Lorraine, before Come Dine with Me decorated a pouch and Chris Tarrant described a baby humping furniture. An obsessive cleaner felt garbage coming all over her, a clip which delighted Rhianna but left Chris strangely unmoved.
In contrast, Chris enjoyed a reference to somebody having a springy ring while Rhianna remained composed. Matt Damon was absolutely dripping wet, Steve Wright recognised Dick on television and the Hairy Bikers struggled to slide their last finger in. A BBC Three dating programme tickled somebody’s fancy all day long, although the two players continued to find completely different clips funny.
Flog It! asked what could be found in people’s drawers, and Bob Harris wondered whether his ring burned somebody’s finger. Rhianna continued laughing about the garbage clip long after it had played, while Chris insisted that the springy ring was clearly superior. The studio’s forensic-looking protective sheets once again attracted almost as much attention from mobile viewers as the game itself.
The power of a phone charger
Scott had been the only person at the Brit Awards carrying a phone charger, instantly making himself popular with people who would otherwise have had little reason to approach him. Trevor Nelson repeatedly asked for another short turn, only to discover that somebody from Radio 1 management had unplugged his phone.
Scott enjoyed controlling the queue but refused responsibility for constantly watching which device was connected. The experience convinced him that a charger could become a serious source of money on a long night out, even though his claim that Trevor had paid £10 was only a joke.
Dear Scott
Listeners had continued altering Chris’s Wikipedia page. It had temporarily claimed that he missed the birth of his child with Beccy while reciting the Greek alphabet, enjoyed a honeymoon with Scott in Málaga and fought a corn snake for his lunch. Chris was relieved that an “Activism” section inspired by his school-canteen boycott had been removed and asked people to stop making changes.
Another listener challenged the Tap End theme’s claim that Chris had received a naked massage. He had removed his clothes, but put his pants back on after the masseuse screamed and left. Chris attempted to change the line to “I almost had a naked massage”, found that it ruined the rhythm and advised the listener to enjoy the song without worrying about the detail.
The programme’s campaign for the return of indoor donkeys produced a newspaper photograph of a woman keeping a Shetland pony in her living room. Scott thought the animal looked reasonably at home, while Chris maintained that a donkey would still be preferable. Other messages covered a student group living in a university library lift as an art project and a woman who had been told she was uglier than a chicken nugget.
The air horn that never reached Justin Timberlake
A listener asked why Scott had failed to sound an air horn during Justin Timberlake’s Brit Awards performance. Security had searched Scott’s bag three times and put him through an airport-style scanner, making it impossible to carry the horn inside. Justin had also performed the wrong songs, choosing “Suit & Tie” and “Mirrors” rather than the older hit Scott had planned to interrupt.
Charlie Sloth joined Scott to remember the night. Two excited women had approached Scott outside, leaving Charlie expecting that they wanted him in the photograph too. Instead, they handed him the phone and treated him as security. Scott thanked “Charlie” loudly so they would recognise him, then found himself calling one woman’s boyfriend for a strained conversation about the weather in Bournemouth.
Charlie Sloth plays Real or No Real
Charlie Sloth stayed for a post-Brits Real or No Real. It had never been made illegal to ski down London Underground escalators, and the standard keyboard layout had not been decided by Bill Gates’s son using alphabet spaghetti. Carol McGiffin and Denise Welch had not built a tunnel between houses two doors apart.
Russia and Japan had, however, failed to sign a formal peace treaty ending the Second World War, while an extraordinarily expensive American pill really did promise to produce a golden stool. Scott and Charlie finished level on 30 points before Charlie headed to his 1Xtra programme.
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