The tennis club Christmas party
Rhianna Dhillon joined Scott and Chris as 24 Years at the Tap End reached Chris’s 16th year. Cold weather, the end of mock exams and the approach of Christmas had created a more relaxed atmosphere at school. Chris and his friends spent much of their time at a tennis club, where his first paid job involved helping coach younger players. Some of the children were already better than him, so he compensated by imposing discipline and making them collect the balls he scattered around the court.
The club was also a place to meet girls. When Chris, Dugsy and Webbo began attending the Friday adult sessions, they encountered older and more confident women, including a housewife called Irene. She was a capable player with an ability to turn almost any tennis expression into innuendo. Chris enjoyed playing with her and looked forward to seeing every part of the club come together at its annual Christmas party.
He, Dugsy and Webbo dressed in suits at Dugsy’s house, polished their school shoes and cycled to the decorated clubhouse. Although greeted with champagne, Chris insisted that the underage group followed the rules and visited the bar for blue Panda Pops instead. Irene arrived in full party dress and greeted him as “Mr Stark”. Chris attempted a single cheek kiss, but she expected two and created the familiar awkward collision the team had often discussed. He demonstrated his later solution to Rhianna, taking control by holding the other person’s head and kissing the forehead, although she found the gesture more intimate than he realised.
After dinner, the tables were cleared and the dancing began. The older members knew the traditional steps, while the teenagers stood at the side until Irene pulled Chris onto the floor. He knew little beyond holding her hand and occasionally attempting a twirl, but Irene rescued every move and made him look competent. Feeling increasingly confident, Chris knelt, bowed and kissed her hand at the end of the song, attracting laughter for taking the performance too far.
Come On Irene
Dugsy encouraged Chris to dedicate a record to Irene. He approached the DJ, then returned to the floor as the next song was introduced for “Chris and his special lady”. The DJ had misunderstood the request and selected Dexys Midnight Runners’ “Come On Eileen”. Chris and Irene shuffled through an agonising three and a half minutes while Dugsy and Webbo laughed from the side.
Every chorus made the dedication sound worse, leading Chris to apologise repeatedly. He stopped attending the Friday sessions not long afterwards and never saw Irene again. Looking back, he could not decide whether she had been a genuine cougar or simply a friendly older woman who enjoyed dancing with him, but the Christmas party remained his first experience of that kind of attention.
Naming the Christmas group
The programme’s attempt to create the ultimate festive hit had reached the recording stage. Frisky and Mannish had written a song containing jingle bells, a slightly sad story, familiar Christmas activities and a discreet political message, all based on advice from seasonal experts including Noddy Holder. Scott hoped to give the finished record its first play the following Monday, but the performers still needed a name.
Suggestions included Danny Howard and the Christmas Crackers, Scott Mills and the Mince Pies, Mills and the Missile Toys, and Danny Howard and One Direction. The favourite was Scott Mills and His Pigs in Blankets, despite the danger that everybody other than Scott might object to being described that way. Scott promised the decision would be settled before the premiere.
Real or No Real
The earliest remote control had not taken eight minutes to change television channels. Chris remembered using a remote-control watch at school to interfere when teachers played videos, while Scott and Rhianna discussed how mobile phones had become progressively smaller before large smartphones reversed the trend.
The last confirmed unicorn sighting had not taken place in Dundee in 1989, but the honey badger really had been recognised by Guinness as the world’s most fearless creature. Scott initially confused it with reality television star Honey Boo Boo and imagined applicants completing increasingly dangerous challenges to win the title.
The smell of cut grass really was produced as plants responded to damage, a fact which made Rhianna feel guilty for enjoying it. Telling an attacking lion that somebody was friends with Simba offered no protection. Scott scored 40 points from the five questions.
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