Amelia Lily arrives prepared for Innuendo Bingo
Amelia Lily joined Scott after spending the morning in the park with her dog Elfie. The dog usually travelled with her, but had recently stayed with Amelia’s family in the north while she flew around the country and visited schools. Amelia was also appearing at several Christmas-light switch-ons, although she revealed that performers did not always operate the button themselves.
Her new single, “Shut Up (and Give Me Whatever You Got)”, was one of the first songs she had recorded that February. She had since made it tougher and more rock and roll, and was particularly proud of developing the concept for its video. Viewers had commented on her intense eyes, but Amelia thought the effect suited the record.
Amelia had watched previous Innuendo Bingo videos and arrived with her own shower cap to protect her pink hair. A Bargain Hunt expert opened the game by identifying a small muff brush, but both players held their water. I’m a Celebrity then supplied a lengthy discussion about liking something firm, going deep and finding it enjoyable, producing the first major soaking.
A clip about snooker sent Amelia’s water straight into Chris’s face. Another antiques expert explained that every well-dressed Victorian woman would have owned a muff and used a brush to keep it tidy. The Hotel Inspector praised Mark for having more spunk than before, while a gardening clip found the right point at which to kiss something on the crown. Amelia repeatedly hit Chris in the hair and soon left him wetter than she was.
Gary Lucy described ending a night with a sticky bag and nocturnal jewels, before Bargain Hunt returned to admire a Victorian gentleman’s nice shaft. Deirdre Barlow’s description of getting her grass wet completed the game. Amelia’s shower cap had done its job and she described the experience as one she would never forget.
The world’s worst impressionist returns
The Posh Radio 4 Lady introduced an email from Peter, who claimed he could imitate Scott, Chris, Beccy and The One That Doesn’t Speak, as well as Arnold Schwarzenegger. He had previously auditioned for the Edinburgh shows, but continued practising after the team failed to contact him again.
Peter began with what he considered his strongest impression, Scott. It consisted largely of confused fragments involving Danny Howard and sounded nothing like him. His Beccy voice was more cheerful than the real Beccy, while his Chris relied on repeatedly saying “mate” and “keen”. The One That Doesn’t Speak was, by definition, flawless.
At Scott’s request, Peter attempted a conversation between all four members of the team before delivering an Arnold Schwarzenegger ident for Danny Howard’s Radio 1 programme. He then asked whether he could follow the example of a parrot which had appeared on air and simply spend time in the studio. Scott suggested he might stand in for Beccy one day, since listeners were unlikely to notice the difference. Peter also corrected an old gap in his pop knowledge by explaining that he had now researched Kelly Rowland, although he still confused Destiny’s Child with the Pussycat Dolls.
Chris is booked for past-life regression
Scott returned to the problem of needing seven more 24 Years at the Tap End episodes before Christmas. After discussing hypnosis the previous day, he announced that Chris had been booked for a session at 4.15pm that afternoon. A practitioner based nearby would use regression to help him recover earlier memories and explore possible previous lives.
Chris was startled that Scott had arranged a therapy session without warning and effectively granted a stranger access to his mind. Scott reassured him that it would not involve making him behave like an animal for entertainment. The recording would instead provide new material, potentially transforming the feature from 24 years into 2,000 years at the Tap End.
Dear Scott
A listener had endured an entire Pitbull album during a 45-minute spin class while the instructor shouted “Mr Worldwide” at intervals. The experience pushed her further away from the programme’s new enthusiasm for the rapper, but Scott encouraged her to keep attending and ask for different music. He and Beccy remembered trying a spin class together and finding it far harder than expected.
Another listener asked whether Scott Mills Points could still be earned from the podcast. Scott ruled that podcast listeners were entitled to the points once, but could not claim them again after already hearing the answers live or replaying the same edition. He described it as the points system’s fair-use policy.
A listener in the Cayman Islands had found self-help books on a male friend’s shelves, including volumes about confidence, childhood shame and anger management. Beccy admitted owning books promising to make her richer, thinner and more confident, despite rarely finishing them. Her advice was to ignore the collection rather than ask about the anger-management titles and provoke an awkward conversation.
Real or No Real
The Jonas Brothers’ surname had not originally been Jones, changed only after a spelling error on their first album. Kentucky really did have a law against carrying ice cream in a back pocket, although Scott could not imagine why anyone would try. Instagram had never been intended to carry the unwieldy name “Filtered Picture of a Cat App”.
Men really did dream about other men around 70% of the time, a result the team initially marked incorrectly before correcting it. Right-handed people did not have two million more goosebumps than left-handed people, and most British speedboats had not been won on 1980s television game shows. After the corrected answer, Scott finished with 40 points.
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